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Should we avoid arguing and raising our voices in front of our children? Do these behaviors affect their development? How far is too far? Insights and advice from Bruno Vibert, a psychotherapist.
Voices rise, opinions clash, and a conflict ensues… in front of the children? We aim to shield them from our outbursts, but that’s not always feasible. Moreover, it might not be entirely negative. According to a recent study conducted by Washington State University (USA) and published in the journal “Emotion” in November 2018, witnessing conflict can be beneficial for children as it may help them express their negative emotions rather than bottling them up. So, could arguments have positive effects on children? How far can we go? Psychotherapist Bruno Vibert sheds some light.
Don’t Overdramatize or Trivialize Arguments
“In general, it’s best to avoid constant arguing in front of the children,” begins the psychotherapist. “However, it’s clear that couple disputes are inevitable and necessary as they illuminate underlying conflicts and frustrations. From this perspective, not having any disputes in front of the children wouldn’t be beneficial.” Why? Because children might then quickly assume that disputes don’t exist, and later find it difficult to handle conflicts themselves since they are unfamiliar with them. Additionally, children can be easily upset by even minor raised voices or unusual aggression, whether at school or elsewhere. Lastly, “children who are completely unfamiliar with conflict might also be tempted to hide their discomfort, suppress their emotions, and internalize their negative feelings as they grow up, since they’re not accustomed to seeing them expressed“, the expert adds.
“Since a child often lacks the perspective to analyze a situation, their initial reaction might be guilt”
Thus, it is crucial that children witness some disputes, provided that they are moderate and occasional. “Clearly, if disputes occur every evening or nearly so, the family environment cannot be healthy and could trigger worry and anxiety in the child“, the specialist notes. The child might then quickly conjure up scenarios where they feel distressed or even responsible for their parents’ arguments, thinking “my parents don’t love each other anymore and will likely separate“. As they often lack the perspective to analyze a situation, a child’s first reaction might be guilt. Constant exposure to parental disputes might lead them to believe they are the cause or the subject of the discord. In such cases, it would be better for the couple to resolve conflicts away from the family setting.
The Weight of Words, the Impact of Actions…
During an argument, the vocabulary and choice of words are crucial. “We generally advise parents to use ‘I’ or ‘we’ instead of throwing around ‘you’, which can be aggressive and accusatory. It’s also important to avoid involving the children in the dispute or forcing them to take sides, as this could be extremely destructive for the child“, explains the expert. Naturally, even if it’s sometimes very hard to hold back, we must avoid insults, gratuitous nastiness, breaking dishes, or other violent actions—such responses can traumatize and deeply impact the child’s sensitivity. Moreover, don’t blame the argument on fatigue or bad mood. To understand and de-escalate the situation, children need more than these excuses; they need to grasp what actually happened. It’s crucial to take responsibility for the argument and fully own it.
Explain the situation to them (while sparing them certain details) and do not act as if nothing happened, because firstly, children can sense tension, and secondly, such mixed signals could destabilize and confuse them. Be consistent, reassure them, and explain that arguing doesn’t mean you love each other any less. Remind them that a family experiences ups and downs, that it’s normal to disagree, and that despite arguments, the family loves and supports each other. Most importantly, absolve them from any blame, clarifying that they are not the cause or subject of the dispute. Ideally, this discussion should involve both parents. According to the psychotherapist, “if the argument occurred in front of the child, it’s very important that reconciliation also happens in their presence to show that it’s possible to ease tensions and reach compromises. Without witnessing reconciliation, the child might wrongly assume that the dispute is unresolved. In essence, an argument is a good opportunity to show a child that problems can be solved through steps forward and compromises“.
Three Rules to Follow
- Be mindful of sensitive times! Particular attention is needed in the morning before everyone heads to work or school. “This is a sensitive time to argue because reconciliation cannot occur during the day, until everyone returns home. Thus, the seeds of the argument can germinate and anxiety can grow throughout the day. The child may brood all day and could even lose focus and concentration“, the psychotherapist explains. Similarly, “try to avoid arguments when everyone returns home: the child hasn’t had their downtime and is deprived of a pleasant moment with their parents. Whenever possible, avoid disrupting these crucial family bonding times, which are extremely necessary for the child’s development“, he adds.
- Show affection towards each other. “It’s still preferable for the child to grow up in the healthiest environment possible. Thus, during reconciliation, parents can show tenderness towards each other (holding hands, a gentle touch on the shoulder, a peck, a family hug…) to demonstrate the family’s unity to the child“. These gestures signify reconciliation and are easily understood by a child. Also, be mindful of the length of disputes. They often stem from dwelling on issues and can usually be shortened. Repeatedly voicing grievances embeds the argument deeply in the child’s mind.
- Avoid conflicts in front of very young children. A contentious atmosphere can increase a baby’s stress. Thus, arguments and heated discussions
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