A Wednesday here, an evening there, a few days over school break… In the beginning, watching the grandkids can be genuinely enjoyable. Gradually, though, it can mean regular school pickups, cooking meals, organizing activities and sometimes cancelling your own plans. The outcome: some grandparents have busier schedules than they did before retirement. And the toughest part often becomes finding the courage to say no.

Grandparent playing on the floor with two young grandchildrenPin
At first, caring for grandchildren can feel like a joyful help — until it becomes routine.

Françoise, 66, recognizes that pattern. She cares for her two grandchildren three days a week and now arranges all her appointments around their needs. “At first it was just to help my daughter on Wednesdays. Now she also relies on me when the nanny is sick or when she works late. I don’t dare schedule anything anymore!” she tells Journal des Femmes. Monique, 71, faces a similar situation: her children entrust her with the kids for about three weeks every August. “I love my grandchildren, but I already raised mine. I’d like to spend some time with my husband too,” she explains.

Françoise and Monique aren’t alone in finding grandchild care “very demanding.” Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who studies family dynamics, says he often hears grandparents say, “I expected to be a grandparent, not to take on another job!” He notes that many seniors are so worried about upsetting their adult children that they don’t admit the burden is too great. “They frequently suppress their feelings for fear that complaining will damage the relationship,” he says. DeeDee Moore, 62, knows that exhaustion well. She spent five weeks at her son’s house caring for three grandchildren, ages 4, 6 and 8. “I’m in great shape, but it was a relentless pace with no breaks,” she recalls. Between meals, dishes and constant driving, she had no time to catch her breath. “I was surprised at how hard it was.” After four days she phoned her husband: “Please come help.” Her takeaway? “It’s much harder to look after young children in your sixties than it was in your forties.”

Physical limits pose another challenge. Speaking to the HuffPost, Denise Gorant Gliwa, 69, describes struggling to unfold her four-month-old grandson’s stroller in a parking lot. “I ended up carrying the baby under one arm and dragging the useless stroller behind me, hoping another mother would spot me and offer help,” she says. She also reminds parents of a fact they sometimes overlook: “Even if we stay active and look young, we are still older and must take care of our bodies and our health.”

Older woman struggling to fold a stroller in a parking lotPin
Physical limits make prolonged childcare harder for many grandparents.

So how can a favor stop becoming an obligation? Coleman believes “the biggest mistake is assuming that because you’re family, there’s no need to negotiate.” He recommends agreeing up front on which days and hours grandparents will help, how vacations will be handled, and what backup plans exist when grandparents aren’t available. That way, grandparents can keep enjoying time with their grandchildren without becoming the permanent babysitter. After all, a grandmother has the right to have plans on a Wednesday too.