Librarian Louise Reveals Her Passion for Shibari: “Losing Control Excites Me”

Up until my 30s, “vanilla sex” was all I knew. The concept of making love any other way than the traditional two in a bed never crossed my mind. I hadn’t dabbled in anything BDSM-related; not even handcuffs or a playful spank. Honestly, it hadn’t even occurred to me. However, at the age of 34, after a tough breakup with a three-year partner, my life took a turn. The recovery was long and harsh. Months later, I ventured into online dating to move forward. The first guy was a miss. So was the second. But then came Anthony, the third, and he blew my mind.

Early into our conversation at his place, he asked if I had experienced BDSM. Despite the setting, his presence was very calming and reassuring, perhaps his being over 40 helped too. He took his time explaining the basics: submissives and dominants, candaulism, fetishism, swinging… and then he shared his preference—binding women with ropes, leaving them at his mercy. That was my introduction to shibari, a complex and ancient Japanese art that has evolved into a sexual practice. It’s intricate and requires knowledge since it can be dangerous. There’s a risk of being taken advantage of, or getting hurt if not tied correctly.

“I’m trussed up, often at the foot of his coffee table”

I work in a children’s library, a world filled with ‘Noddy Goes on Holiday.’ I can’t pinpoint why shibari captivated me instantly—whether it was his allure, the thrill of the taboo, or both. After he outlined the risks with the seriousness of a doctor, I agreed. He presented a contract where I specified what I was okay with while bound. I consented to penetration but not tickling! At that moment, I hardly recognized myself, but trusting my gut proved right; shibari was indeed an awakening. When you’re restrained, all you can do is think, and that’s the challenge! In everyday life, we’re constantly surrounded by phones, music, people… But here, he ties me up and leaves me for hours! I’m wrapped up like a cocoon, usually at the foot of his coffee table, and he makes love to me whenever he wishes, then leaves. Initially, it lasted only an hour, but now I might arrive at 3 PM and not leave until the next morning.

I’ve grown to relish these moments where I control nothing. I have to overcome boredom, and it’s so challenging that when he comes to make love, the orgasms could nearly bring down walls. Plus, I feel I’ve become tougher, more resilient. It might sound contradictory, but I stand my ground more in life now that I am completely submissive in my sexual relationships. Now, when I say yes, it’s a firm yes. And no means no. Being bound, I often say but it’s true, has set me free.