Confessions of a Mistress: Why I Love Being With a Married Man

Women who are the “other woman” are often seen as lonely and disappointed, secretly hoping their lover will leave his spouse for them. This stereotype doesn’t hold true for everyone. For some, like Nathalie, Elisabeth, and Cathy—all in their fifties—this arrangement is a conscious choice, even a point of pride. These women shared with Femme Journal how they find rare freedom in their secret relationships.

“I want to share moments with him, not my life”

Nathalie met her lover less than a year ago, quite by chance. Recently divorced after a difficult marriage and battling cancer, romantic relationships were not her focus. However, she was flattered by the attention from this man. “I was sick, looked terrible, yet I could see in his eyes that he was attracted to me.” He quickly made it clear he was married and could only offer a fling. “That suited me perfectly, I wanted to keep my freedom, to do what I want, when I want. I want to share moments with him, not my life.” Since then, they meet once or twice a week for private moments. “I don’t want it to be too regular either. There was a week we met three times, and it felt like almost too much. Having someone at my house all the time? No thanks.”

Cathy, who has been in a passionate affair with a married man for ten years, shares this desire for independence: “I wouldn’t want him to leave his wife because I love my life as it is, without obligations. If I want to go out late with friends, I don’t have to explain myself. In a traditional relationship, you lose that freedom.” Divorced after 25 years of marriage, she treasures a relationship free from routine: “Even after all these years, we still have so much to talk about, we still dress up to impress each other… In more traditional relationships, everyday monotony inevitably dims the passion,” “Every moment is magical,” confirms Elisabeth, who secretly dated a man for four years before they became official. She understands the pros and cons of both setups. “The secret meetings in hotels, the elaborate plans to meet up… Since our time together is limited, we live it intensely. It’s hard to find that excitement living together.”

Secret relationships that offer liberation

After years of marital life often filled with compromises and sacrifices, these light-hearted affairs are a way to reconnect with themselves and assert their identities. “Ultimately, I was in control and set the pace. I could end the relationship at any time, so he invested a lot to keep me. I felt like I was the center of his universe,” Elisabeth shares. Nathalie also feels more confident thanks to her affair: “He makes me feel desired, something I’ve never felt about myself.” The care and attention from her lover have boosted her self-esteem, allowing her to explore aspects of her personality she hadn’t known before: “His gestures, his looks, his demeanor… It helped me reclaim a body I had long neglected. Thanks to him, I feel free to love and enjoy pleasure,” This encounter has opened new doors for Nathalie, who at 53, is just discovering her sensuality and is eager for new experiences.

“We’ve set up codes to avoid getting caught”

As thrilling as extramarital affairs can be, they come with their challenges. One major hurdle is maintaining secrecy, which requires taking special precautions: “I’m not allowed to contact him. We’ve set up a code, in case I need help. When he comes to my place, we make sure no one is around before he quickly slips in through the slightly open door,” Nathalie explains. Keeping the affair under wraps also means not being able to talk about it with close friends. This secrecy can sometimes lead to loneliness, especially during tough times. And there are plenty of those!

For Cathy, the hardest part is not being able to see her lover as often as she’d like: “At first, I would cry every time he left, feeling a profound emptiness. I’m not that dependent anymore, though I wish we could spend more time together.” Today, she mainly regrets not being able to express their love openly: “Sometimes we attend the same professional events. He greets me with a kiss on the cheek like I’m just a friend, while I wish I could hug him, hold his hand… It’s in those moments that I truly feel like ‘the other woman.'”

The unpredictability of these relationships can also be a source of disappointment. “You have a date, you’re excited, you dress up, and then at the last minute, everything gets canceled. It’s a hard blow,” recalls Elisabeth. “You always have to be adaptable,” Nathalie agrees. “When he calls, I have to be available.” Disillusionment, frustration, longing… among all these emotions, there’s one that doesn’t belong: guilt. All three women agree on the responsibility of the unfaithful men, who make their own choices. “They are the ones deciding to cheat on their wives. After all, we’re just accepting what is offered to us,” Nathalie concludes.