The Mental Load Often Falls on Women, Especially Mothers
The mental load of managing a household and keeping up with a to-do list encapsulates much of the burden associated with family life. Despite signs of minor improvements, research consistently shows that this burden predominantly affects women in heterosexual relationships.
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Journalist Dara Katz quickly felt the weight of this mental load when she became a mother. “Managing your own life is one thing—even with a demanding pet. But managing a household? That’s a completely different story. Sure, you can outsource grocery shopping, cleaning, and laundry, or even organizing tasks. However, everything that’s invisible, everything that’s intangible, falls on those living within those four walls. This is where the family calendar comes into play. Whether it exists only in your and your spouse’s mind, on a large calendar in the hallway, or on a shared digital calendar, the comings and goings of family life need to be organized,” she wrote on Purewow. She observed, like most mothers, that she was the sole organizer in her family.
Sharing the Load with Her Husband
Dara Katz sought ways to share the planning burden with her husband to alleviate her stress. The challenge was that even though he helped with some tasks, she always had to ask him to do something, remind him, and explain how and when to do it. To change this dynamic, she sought advice from Dr. Zelana Montminy, a behavioral science expert, who suggested she use a simple but powerful phrase with her husband: “Can you take the lead on this mentally?” Dr. Montminy explained that the invisible mental load is not just about planning; it also involves carrying the weight of responsibility. By asking this question, one doesn’t just delegate a task; they transfer responsibility. “It means: I trust you to take on this responsibility, not just to carry out the task. This slight shift in wording can rebalance the mental load and foster a true partnership,” according to the expert.
Implementing the Advice
The journalist put this advice into practice on a day when she felt overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done. Using the suggested phrase made a significant difference: “I wasn’t the only one with the to-do list in mind; he was the point person. It was a small change, but it felt like a breath of fresh air.” A small shift can lead to another, as communicating with her partner, explaining that sharing the organization reduces anxiety and stress, and helps manage tasks more effectively.
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