Why Does Cheating Hurt So Much? Unpacking the Pain of Infidelity

Infidelity is a reality for many couples and its definition varies: for some, betrayal starts with a kiss, while for others, it occurs only after sexual relations with another partner. It all depends on the boundaries set within the relationship, even if they are not always clearly expressed. According to Sandra Barba, a psychotherapist, it primarily represents a “breach of the basic contract established between two people in terms of trust and commitment.” Sometimes, it can even happen when the relationship seems happy.

Infidelity as a Reflection of Past Wounds

Infidelity disrupts emotional landmarks and creates a lasting sense of insecurity. The cheated partner might begin to question their judgment, their worth, or their ability to trust again. Whether emotional or sexual, betrayal hurts regardless of one’s attachment style or relationship history. “Infidelity breaks a part of oneself,” notes Sandra Barba. “It also shatters the image of a successful relationship. Some people idealize relationships more than they should. So, it’s their fantasy that collapses with the betrayal.”

For others who have grown up in more insecure environments or have experienced betrayal before, infidelity can reawaken these old vulnerabilities and reactivate the “wound to the ego and the self-confidence that one hopes will not be destroyed by another,” adds the psychotherapist. Betrayal can also be perceived as a failure. “It hurts because it affects the bond and the trust that has been invested and is now dishonored,” continues the professional. Whether the infidelity is discovered independently or revealed by the partner, in both scenarios, it is difficult to cope with.

The emotional shock requires time to process, and everyone moves at their own pace in this journey of healing. While betrayal indeed causes pain, it does not mean the other person should be punished. “One needs to move past the denial about the relationship. When there is infidelity, it often indicates that one or both partners are unhappy in the relationship,” analyzes Sandra Barba.

By acknowledging the betrayal and if both partners take responsibility for their actions, then trust can be rebuilt. “This involves opening up communication objectively or perhaps engaging in therapy to address unmet needs and frustrations,” advises the psychotherapist. She concludes by emphasizing: “It’s crucial that both partners rebuild with new boundaries in place.”