Why Men Hide Their Feelings More Than Women: The Surprising Reason Revealed!

When it comes to expressing their feelings, many men seem at a loss. Are their emotions locked behind a secret door for which they’ve lost the key? Among the common reasons couples seek therapy, a lack of communication tops the list. According to sexologist Sophie Cayla, this issue affects about 90% of her clients. In heterosexual relationships, it is almost always the women who initiate therapy, weary of their partner’s silence. “I can’t help it, it’s just how I am,” is a common defense among the men Sophie counsels. Yet, this reticence about their feelings is more cultural and societal than anything else.

“Be a Man and Keep Quiet”

Writer and sociologist Christine Détrez, who recently published a study on the romantic behaviors of 15-23-year-olds (Crush. Fragments of the New Romantic Discourse, Flammarion, 2024), notes that while young women show great enthusiasm, young men are much more hesitant to share their inner thoughts with her. Their reserve is not due to the specific context of the interview: even among friends, emotional sharing remains taboo. “Those who dare to be open about their feelings risk mockery, insults, or even physical attacks,” observes Christine. The ultimate insult? Being called a “girl”! “Masculinity involves being accepted by one’s peers and opposing other groups, namely women and homosexuals. Anything related to feelings is attributed to the feminine and is thereby delegitimized.”

Does this mean men are insensitive? “They more readily express emotions like anger, pride, or ambition,” Christine clarifies. These emotions are seen as more legitimate because they align with the codes of masculinity. These stereotypes influence our perceptions from birth and are a primary reason why men are less expressive about their feelings than women: “It starts with how we decorate a baby’s room and the clothes we choose for them. For example, the imagery of the heart is associated with little girls, not little boys.” Children absorb gender expectations early on, which is evident in playground dynamics. While girls gather to talk about their feelings, boys are more likely to engage in physical activities like kicking a ball. Love? That’s girl stuff!

Accustomed to Concealing Their Inner Lives to Uphold Their Masculinity

“Women develop a real emotional capital, meaning a range of skills that allow them to feel, analyze, and express emotions. Men, on the other hand, haven’t been taught to do this,” laments Christine. Accustomed to concealing their inner lives to uphold their masculinity, men thus lack the tools to articulate their emotions. This suppression can have significant consequences, particularly in terms of mental health. Sophie regularly encounters men suffering from anxiety. “Expressing emotions helps regulate one’s internal state. Conversely, keeping everything inside can lead to rumination. This manifests as sadness, bursts of anger, or even depressive states,” explains the sexologist. This inability to communicate can also impact marital life. It’s challenging to fulfill emotional needs with a partner who doesn’t express themselves! Over time, this can lead to a buildup of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and frustrations that weaken the relationship. It often falls on women to compensate for this imbalance, as they are socially considered more capable of managing the emotional aspects of a relationship. “It’s an additional burden placed on them,” confirms Christine.

Are men a lost cause when it comes to communication? On the contrary! Like any skill, communication can be learned over time and with practice. “It’s a learning process. The men I see often realize, sometimes from the first session, that they are perfectly capable of talking. And that it feels good!” As for the younger generation, shows like Sex Education or Heartstopper are helping to introduce new male models: “These cultural products provide different narratives, promoting values beyond just bravery or strength,” Christine enthuses. Their success indeed confirms a collective desire to redefine masculinity, where emotions would finally no longer be seen as a sign of weakness.