Should You Confess a Fling to Your Boyfriend? Secrets Revealed!

Yes, sometimes we slip up. Whether it lasts a second or the entire night, we hesitate to disclose to Gérard. Our minds are a mess. Are all truths worth telling? Is lying sinful? Should I say it, not say it, or hint at it? Do I need to share my secret? How will Gérard react? Would he want to know even if it disappoints him? Can a tiny secret seem monumental to him? So, what do we do with all this? We sit down and tackle the four essential questions unfolded by Marie Andersen, a psychologist. These steps will help us see more clearly. Plus, they might come in handy tomorrow and the day after, not just in matters of romantic deviations. Who knows what life has in store and what little secrets may tempt us to speak out.

Where Do I Stand with Lying?

“Lying tends to have a negative connotation,” begins Marie Andersen, psychologist. This notion stems from childhood: we are taught to report everything to mom, from what we ate at school to our daily grades. Because she asks for it. Because we are not supposed to hide anything. Thus, as we grow up, it becomes hard to shake this “imposed rule”: lying is bad, we must tell everything. We are expected to do the right thing, to abide by moral standards. However, as the psychologist points out, lying is a shield that protects us from an alleged obligatory transparency: “Often, it’s guilt-inducing but it shouldn’t be. Why should I be transparent? Who requires it of me? What for?” She suggests we detach from these moral obligations. No more “must tell everything.” The first question I ask myself before telling Gérard the truth about last night’s flirtation or Brandon’s advances is: do I care about morality? Will breaking “the law” make me miserable and guilty for a hundred years? “The only thing to remember, says Marie Andersen, is that confessing a lie just because you feel you have to, is a bad idea.” There’s no moral or duty involved unless you value morality. What’s crucial is to consider your own need to speak up, independent of morality, and of course, your partner.

What Was Our Original Agreement?

As the psychologist notes, couples often start with a specific agreement. Two weeks into knowing each other, and we’re setting rules: “We’ll always tell each other everything, right?”, “Even if you cheat, I want to hear it”, “You have nothing to hide from me, I’ll understand”, or conversely: “I don’t want to know if an ex contacts you.” “Once this contract is established maturely, we adhere to it“, she advises. So, we consider whether to reveal our lie or not, based on the rules we initially set, which can truly guide us if we set them wisely and not in a moment of euphoria. Sometimes, the rules set in the beginning are discarded like our first thrown-to-the-floor t-shirts: we love each other, it’s passion, ecstasy, it will be forever us, so we’re not scared of hard truths. We feel safe. But eventually, when we’re deep in secrecy and looking into our lover’s eyes, we’re uncertain whether to speak up or not. What to do? Think about the next two questions.

Do I Need to Tell Him?

Here, we consider beyond morality. We don’t ask if we should talk, but if we need to talk. Is this secret too heavy? Do I feel the need to confess everything because I’m uncomfortable with my actions? Again, I clearly identify the source of my discomfort: is it societal morality or my own conscience? If it’s a personal issue, facing a specific lie I don’t want to keep this time, then I’ll say it. But it’s out of the question to do it out of obligation. I’m my own judge! We might also feel no need to disclose everything. And that’s fine because we have the right. So, I can acknowledge that no, I don’t need to tell my man about my slip-up. The main thing is just to own it. I do what I want as long as I take responsibility for it. It’s part of my private sphere and I’m the only one who knows what I can keep in or reveal from this private space. And I’m responsible for it.

What Will This Mean for My Relationship and My Partner?

I’m not the only one involved in a lie. There are two of us in this story. And if I’m contemplating whether to confess or not, it’s because my secrecy minimally involves the other person. So here’s the thing: is my lie a significant one? What will be the consequences if I reveal it? “A seemingly trivial secret to us can ignite a firestorm, the other person might not always take the news with the same detachment as us“, the expert clarifies. It all depends on our partner and how they receive us. “We imagine the scenario“, recommends Marie Andersen. Some people understand lies, slip-ups, the need to keep secrets, others less so. How far are we willing to go in causing hurt? What will we provoke? How much will the other person suffer? Because the risk is that by dropping a truth, we absolve ourselves: now that I’ve said everything, that I’ve been fair and honest, the problem is no longer mine. It’s yours to deal with. “Let’s not forget that confessing something doesn’t necessarily fix the situation“, the psychologist emphasizes. Because if “Everything is settled with words“, the title of her latest book, they are crucial when a slip-up is known, when the betrayal is revealed at our expense. So, we might just choose to avoid… the worst.