Should You Tell Your Best Friend You Dislike Their Partner? Find Out Now!

Once part of a duo, your best friend introduces you to their new significant other. Whether the relationship is fresh or well-established, you might find yourself not particularly fond of this new partner. Faced with these feelings, should you speak up, suppress your emotions, or distance yourself? Sorting out intuition, projection, and legitimate concerns can be complicated. Dr. Marie-Victoire Chopin, a psychologist, sheds light on these dilemmas.

Disliking your friend’s partner doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem. First, it’s essential to ask yourself: why the discomfort? According to Dr. Chopin, “Not liking a friend’s partner doesn’t automatically signal a problem in their relationship.” Several factors might be at play: differing tastes or sense of humor, a perceived lack of dynamics in the relationship, or feeling sidelined. “The friendship might have always operated as a duo, and the addition of a third person could destabilize it,” adds the psychologist. In any case, consider whether you’re projecting: “We often project our tastes, expectations, and values onto others’ relationships. It’s not always jealousy. Sometimes, it’s out of altruism—we want the best for the other person. Yet, it remains a projection, and recognizing it is crucial to avoid interfering with what the person shares with us.”

The nature of the relationship then plays a role. In cases where the relationship isn’t abusive, and the feelings are personal, discussing a disliked partner could taint the friendship and prove unhelpful. Even with the best intentions, one often seeks to validate their perceived correct course for the other. “We want to confirm we’re right,” the expert reminds us. Moreover, this stance can be patronizing. “Giving advice can put us in a superior position. If things go south, we might be blamed. And if the couple stays together, one might end up excluded,” notes Dr. Chopin. However, if the relationship appears dangerous, friends and family play a crucial role. “When in love, we’re high on neurotransmitters associated with pleasure and reward, pushing us to charm and please. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, lowers our guard. We put on rose-colored glasses and overestimate our partner,” explains the psychologist. This can lead to a lack of perspective and clarity. In the face of toxic or abusive behavior, it’s vital to be supportive. “Tell your friend you’re there, the door is open, and there will be no judgment. If trust is present, the words will follow.”

Emphasize Active Listening

Generally, the expert recommends addressing the topic gently through active listening without trying to steer the conversation. “Instead of stating what you think, it’s better to ask open-ended questions: ‘How do you feel when you’re alone? What about when you’re together?'” explains Dr. Chopin. By letting your friend express themselves, they might eventually bring up any issues on their own. “You can then gently probe further: ‘And how do you feel about it? What are your thoughts?'” Avoid defining your friend’s partner or speaking on behalf of your friend. Clarify any uncertainties: “If I understand correctly, you said that…” This approach deepens the conversation without passing judgment. Provide emotional support by using “I” statements rather than “you” statements, and reaffirming your availability: “I’m moved by what you’re sharing, I’m here for you, and I’m glad you feel good.”

If you struggle to manage the situation, a psychologist can help identify whether it’s a matter of projection, a genuine concern, or a shift in the friendship dynamics. “Sometimes, it’s not the partner that bothers us, but seeing less of our friend,” she adds. It’s important to distance oneself if it helps preserve the friendship without harboring resentment. “Friendship is also a long story you’ve shared. Even if you don’t like it, your friend’s partner doesn’t erase what you’ve experienced together.” Instead of setting an ultimatum, suggest creating space for friendship. Remind your friend of your bond’s importance and propose activities just for the two of you, like dinner, an exhibition, or a weekend getaway. To conclude, Dr. Chopin reminds us: “The worst scenario is having to choose between your partner and your friends. It’s very unhealthy. One should never exclude the other.”

Special thanks to Dr. Marie-Victoire Chopin, psychologist and clinical sexologist.