Set Boundaries Early in Relationships or “They’ll Think Everything’s Granted”

It’s not always easy to show your true self at the start of a romantic relationship. As psychologist Maïté Tranzer notes, “some people might be afraid to set boundaries for fear of disappointing their partner, but it’s important to explain why you hold these beliefs. Don’t be afraid of being judged or upsetting your partner. You need to stay true to yourself no matter what.”

Building a relationship on this foundation lays the groundwork for a healthy and lasting partnership. Being able to establish boundaries allows you to communicate your needs and get to know yourself better. “It’s a framework that must be established to protect oneself,” Tranzer states. “These boundaries can change based on experiences and feelings.” According to the expert, it is crucial to set them early on “otherwise, your partner might assume that everything is permissible.” But what kind of boundaries should you set?

The one that is most important to you because it contributes to your well-being and without which you don’t feel at peace. Everyone has their own boundaries: they can be physical, psychological, or sexual. For example:

• you enjoy spending Sunday evenings alone and want to keep it that way,
• you’re not comfortable with a certain sexual position,
• you love engaging in a particular sport, making music, or attending your drawing workshop,
• you need time alone with your friends,
• you enjoy going to the movies by yourself occasionally or having lunch with your mother…

These boundaries “may differ within the relationship, and your partner might not have the same needs, but that’s not a problem,” highlights Tranzer. “If you feel it harms you, then the boundary is not strong enough. You set it first with yourself, before setting it with your partner, all while maintaining self-respect.“

Nonviolent communication can help in sharing your boundaries with your partner. If you struggle with this, your self-esteem may be affected. “You might feel guilty for not having established boundaries,” the professional warns. And you won’t be happy since you’re not truly being yourself. Each partner must therefore respect the other’s privacy and personal space without coercion. Regularly revisiting these discussions can also ensure that the couple remains in sync. Tranzer reminds us that “boundaries must be respected for oneself and for the other. It’s important to know yourself well and understand each other to establish appropriate boundaries.“