Are You Having Enough Sex? Essential Insights for Couples

According to a study by Ifop and Lelo published in February 2024, 39% of women and 55% of men feel they are not having enough sex. One in five people in a relationship admits to having little or no sexual intercourse with their partner, the study further reveals. So how can one determine if their sexual frequency is normal? “Every couple faces this question at some point,” notes Evelyne Dillenseger, a couple’s therapist and sexologist. “In the beginning of a relationship, sex tends to happen often as partners are getting to know each other. After a year, or maybe two or three, especially if they live together, the frequency often decreases.” The statistics confirm this.

Among those surveyed by Ifop, 60% of men reported having sex once a week, compared to 52% of women. These figures decline as the relationship ages:

• 75% of men and 77% of women in relationships less than 3 years have sex about once a week
• 77% of men and 61% of women in relationships lasting 3 to 7 years
• 81% of men and 60% of women in relationships lasting 7 to 10 years
• 66% of men and 56% of women in relationships lasting 10 to 20 years
• 44% of men and 40% of women in relationships over 20 years

On average, both men and women (whether in relationships or not) report having sex 6 to 7 times a month, which translates to about 1 to 2 times a week, compared to 9 times a month in 1970. Thus, the weekly frequency of sexual activity has decreased. Factors such as child-rearing, fatigue, stress, and workload are influencing intimacy within relationships.

“We put a lot of pressure on ourselves”

“We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves,” the sexologist estimates. “We live in a society that talks a lot about sex. It feels almost mandatory, as if our health and well-being depend on it, transforming it from a pleasure into a duty.”

While every couple is different and what constitutes a satisfying frequency varies, it’s essential to remember that sexuality operates on desire. “There’s no normality in sexuality; you have sex because you want to,” states the professional. It’s not about scheduling sex because it’s been two weeks or a month since the last encounter. It’s about having the “desire.”

The Issue of Frustration Is Significant

On this matter, it’s useful to consider any feelings of frustration as they can provide clues. If one partner feels sexually frustrated and deprived, it might indicate that the frequency of sexual encounters is insufficient. Discussing this can help clear the air and find a mutual solution that satisfies both parties. “It’s crucial to find a way to agree and definitely not force anything,” the sexologist warns. “There are also ways to manage frustration if your partner’s desires aren’t aligning with yours at the moment, such as through masturbation or using sex toys.”

Sexual desire can also fluctuate, and partners may not always be in sync with their needs. “There can be mismatches in what each person needs, but the most important thing is not the quantity. It’s better to have fewer encounters that are high-quality and well-connected. Don’t rush through just to have sex,” Dillenseger advises in conclusion.