Considering Cheating? Should You Take the Plunge?

The urge to cheat on a partner is seldom a mere whim. “In about 80% of cases, infidelity is driven by dissatisfaction within the relationship,” shares François St Père, a psychologist. Clients often express feelings of being “mistreated, overlooked” in their relationships, sometimes for “months or even years.” Their descriptions often reveal unmet needs, which surprisingly are not always sexual. More than sexual desires, it’s often about not feeling valued, appreciated, or noticed by their partner that paves the way for infidelity. The idea of seeking someone else’s company then becomes less about seeking thrills and more about reaffirming one’s self-worth.

Other acts of infidelity, however, are connected to more personal challenges—like discovering or confirming one’s sexual orientation. However, as the psychologist points out, “most of the time, the desire to cheat stems from not feeling loved in the way one wishes to be.” Those who have families often try for a long time to make their partners aware of their concerns. Yet, the more they push, the more their partner might resist, often out of fear of being controlled. This dynamic creates a precarious situation for both partners: on one side, a need that is poorly or belatedly expressed; on the other, a hardening defense. In between, the perfect gap for temptation to take root.

And such temptations don’t require a dramatic scenario to emerge. “We live in a world full of opportunities,” reminds François St Père. The internet, professional encounters, social networks, and everyday situations increase the chances of external attention. It might start with compliments and gradually evolve: “As the relationship progresses, the attention becomes more sustained because this connection feels good.” When someone reflects a more vibrant, valued, and acknowledged version of ourselves, the likelihood of crossing the line increases. A pleasant connection eventually leads to shared time, then to recurring thoughts, and sometimes the beginning of future projections. That’s when complications arise in the original relationship.

Pause, Reflect, Slow Down

Taking time to pause, reflect, and slow down is crucial, a step many overlook, emphasizes the psychologist. “It’s really advisable to think before acting,” he says, although not everyone naturally takes this approach, with some people being more driven by impulses, emotions, and desires. For those in long-term relationships with established routines, he suggests evaluating what could be improved without resorting to leading a double life. What’s really missing? What could be accepted or adjusted? And what would happen if your partner found out about the infidelity? He makes it clear: “Nothing is more damaging, more hurtful, than the discovery of infidelity.” Betrayal deeply shakes the emotional security of the partner and leaves lasting scars.

And when reflection alone isn’t enough, the psychologist advises starting gently: “I have something to tell you, and it’s not meant to be an attack.” Needs are better received when they are not presented as accusations. Also, giving the other person the freedom to respond to these needs fosters more open communication, as opposed to making emotionally charged, belated accusations. Clearly, it’s essential to have the courage to state your needs, even if it’s challenging. Regardless, reflection is always preferable to action, as the consequences are invariably significant.