Marriage Therapist Reveals: This Is Almost Always Why People Cheat!

One of the most severe breaches in a relationship is infidelity, which is not uncommon as “40% of couples experience it,” says Charlotte de Burzon, a sexologist and couples therapist. “When in a relationship, there’s an unspoken agreement that isn’t questioned. This includes both sexual and emotional exclusivity.” The issue arises when this agreement is not openly discussed, and infidelity occurs when this pact is broken, leading to profound hurt where “the pain extends beyond the act itself.” Understanding the true motivations behind such actions is crucial.

The boundaries between fidelity and infidelity are highly personal, since “everyone has their own tolerance levels.” Although it mainly relates to sexual acts, infidelity “can also involve sending messages to someone else, having lunch with an ex, or kissing someone,” continues our expert. In other words, infidelity is “an intimate action that occurs outside of the relationship.” It can be detected by noticing subtle changes such as “a more aggressive way of talking, or unusually kind behavior, making excuses for trivial things, or getting annoyed by simple questions.” It’s important to listen to your gut: “If you feel that something is off, trust your instincts.”

Committing infidelity is a conscious choice, emphasizes Charlotte de Burzon. “Generally, the person who strays does not want to question the relationship; it’s a selfish act.” Why do they cheat? “There isn’t one single reason but three common ones,” according to our expert. The first is a matter of circumstance: the opportunity arises, and the person succumbs without intending to disrupt their primary relationship. This type of cheating usually remains a secret and does not happen repeatedly. The second reason targets individuals who find exclusivity in a relationship restrictive. They decide it “does not suit them” and “play both sides,” while never allowing their partner to do the same. Lastly, the third reason emerges when there are problems in the relationship: infidelity then becomes a way to “seek in an extramarital relationship what is missing with one’s partner.”

According to the sexologist, one cannot prevent their partner’s infidelity. However, “the other partner (the one who is cheated on) is not responsible for the infidelity; it is an individual choice.” For those who cheat, the expert offers clear advice: “Never downplay what you’re doing.” Communication is key to a successful relationship: “You don’t have to turn to someone else if things aren’t going well; you can talk about it with your partner.”

Thanks to Charlotte de Burzon, sexologist, couples therapist, and co-author with Valentine Birnbaum of “There’s No Mystery in Sex” (Marabout publishing).