Shocking Taste Test: I Tried Penis-Flavored Lollipops and Couldn’t Believe the Realism!

There are moments in life when you can’t help but ask yourself, “What exactly am I doing right now?” You know, that sudden moment of clarity when you realize just how absurd the situation you’ve willingly gotten yourself into is. This morning in May finds me at exactly that point. I had proposed writing an article about “penis-flavored lollipops” to my editor-in-chief, who approved it right away. Was it sadism? A personal interest in the topic? I’ll never know.

Regardless, here I am, committed to the task. In front of me, I have a red lollipop and a blue lollipop. They were sent to me by Nicolas, their creator. He’s a man of few words about himself, quite reserved. But he did share how he came up with this wild idea. “It started as a joke among friends that I just wanted to share with others!” Okay, but why? To promote fellatio, even when men are unclean? “Not at all!”, he insists. “As a straight guy, I thought of it more as a novelty gag product.” Well, thanks for clarifying.

Since Nicolas wasn’t very knowledgeable about the subject, he scoured labs to find someone who could develop this unique “dirty sex” aroma. After many rejections, he finally found his man—well, his chemist, who knew his stuff. From there, he chose five scents that he believes mimic the smell of an unwashed penis: sweat, urine, saliva, parmesan, and sperm. Bon appétit, indeed. And that goes for me, still staring down my red and blue lollipops. Will one make me shrink, like Alice’s mushrooms? Unlikely, but vomiting is a real possibility… With a trembling hand, I bring the red one to my tongue.

The initial taste is almost disappointing. Was I lied to? It tastes just like a strawberry Chupa Chups… But then, there it is. The first flavor I detect is parmesan. Old memories come flooding back instantly. It’s incredible, this olfactory memory; I feel like I can see “Calvin Klein” written just inches from my forehead. And then… yes, I taste urine. Flashback to a nightclub, 5 AM. It’s terrifyingly realistic. And now, I feel nausea coming on; I need to brush my teeth immediately.

I vomited. It should be noted that my stomach is somewhat delicate. But really, the taste and smell were utterly repulsive. Even after two toothbrushings, a mouthwash, and three sodas. Yet, it’s exactly what Nicolas aimed for. In his idea of a “friendly trap,” for a bachelor party, for example, it’s definitely a great prank. But what’s serious is the actual success of these lollipops, which quickly sold out. Nicolas’s joke has turned into a real business. “If the penis-flavored lollipop sells well, considering the long research and development time, I might release the VGC (vagina-flavored candy) just in time for Christmas 2026!”

No, Nicolas, I won’t be thanking you.