Will Your Relationship Last 5 Years? Many Couples May Be Shocked

If you’ve been in a relationship for a few years, you may love each other but wonder between work commitments, daily routines, and perhaps children: Are we still strong together? Will our relationship last? More importantly, how do couples who truly last manage it? American psychologist, John Gottman, pondered these same questions. He dedicated his life to examining romantic relationships to uncover what keeps a couple together. His findings reveal that it’s the small, daily interactions that make all the difference, particularly one aspect.

In one of his well-known studies, John Gottman invited couples to spend a weekend in an apartment filled with cameras. There were no surveys, no deep confessions—just two days of typical routine, captured in every detail. “By observing them over these two days, John Gottman claims he can predict which couples will still be together in five years and which will have parted ways,” explains psychologist Judith Mangelsdorf in the documentary series Unhappy, broadcasted on Arte. What interests him are the micro-interactions: how couples speak to each other, how they respond—or don’t respond—to a casual comment. Through these everyday exchanges, he seeks to understand the real dynamics of the relationship and measures a “constant.”

This “constant” is a ratio. “The most critical marker, according to him, is the ratio of positive to negative interactions. He calls it the ‘Gottman Ratio’: five to one,” Judith Mangelsdorf elaborates. A kind word, a supportive glance, a small act of kindness: every little action counts. “Gottman believes that for a couple to build a happy and lasting relationship, there needs to be five times more positive interactions than negative ones, like criticism or tension,” continues the psychologist. If this is the case, the couple is likely to stay together in the next five years. If not, their future might be in jeopardy.

For Kalle and Annett, who have been together since 1973, the longevity of their relationship is built on solid foundations. “There’s affection, trust, and a sense of unity,” Kalle summarizes in the documentary. His wife points out a disparity with today’s expectations that could hinder the durability of relationships: “Young people are very demanding. They wait for the perfect partner. They fear missing out if they commit,” she notes. In other words, where some seek perfection, they chose to try—and it appears to have worked for them.