Relationship Experts Agree: This Is the #1 Sign a Couple Is in Trouble

In his laboratory focused on couple dynamics, the American psychologist John Gottman has scrutinized thousands of romantic interactions. He has monitored conversations, decoded emotions, and tracked long-term behavior patterns. His aim? To unearth what sustains a relationship or conversely, what leads to its demise. His findings reveal that certain warning signs could predict a breakup long before it actually happens, with one in particular being highly indicative.

Vanessa Van Edwards, a body language expert, delved into John Gottman’s research and shared in an interview with The Unplanned Podcast: “When one partner exhibits this behavior towards the other, the likelihood of divorce shoots up to 93.6%.” Unlike anger, which can subside, or sadness, which can be comforted, this particular behavior becomes entrenched. The more it’s overlooked, the more it grows, until it becomes overwhelming. Moreover, its impact isn’t just emotional. John Gottman found that this behavior also affects the physical health of partners. Couples experiencing this often suffer more from infections, colds, and other stress-related issues. This insidious deterioration weakens both body and spirit.

So, what is this sign that betrays a troubled relationship? According to John Gottman, it’s contempt. It isn’t just a heated argument or a simple disagreement. It’s the sneaky development of a condescending attitude: eye-rolling, sighing with irritation, using a sarcastic tone, or displaying a mocking smile. As clinical psychologist Ellie Lisitsa points out in an article for the Gottman Institute, all these behaviors send a distinct message: “I am better than you. And you are less than me.” Once contempt creeps into a relationship, respect diminishes and open communication becomes unattainable. At that point, a breakup is just a step away.

Fortunately, there are ways to address this. Monitoring one’s own reactions, pinpointing what triggers these contemptuous behaviors, and striving to replace them with more compassionate responses are vital steps. John Gottman advises opting for calm, constructive conversations. Instead of criticizing the other’s faults, it’s better to express personal feelings using “I” statements. For instance, saying “I feel neglected lately” instead of “You never pay attention to me.” A simple shift in how one expresses feelings can alter the dynamics of the relationship and defuse tensions before they escalate.