7 Bad Reasons to Break Up: The Grass Isn’t Always Greener!

There are numerous scenarios that can lead to the end of a relationship. Whether your relationship is new or you have been together for years, or even married, you might feel it’s time to call it quits. Some reasons are entirely valid: dealing with a toxic partner, experiencing abuse, or simply being unhappy. However, in other cases, people end relationships based on weak excuses, influenced by external factors, beliefs, or assumptions. “I see it a lot in coaching, many couples break up because one or the other isn’t willing to find solutions,” observes Melanie Frison, a therapist and coach specializing in romantic relationships. She discusses with us the wrong reasons for splitting up and offers advice on sustaining worthwhile relationships.

1. Breaking up in the heat of the moment: Following an argument, a bout of sadness, or a moment of frustration, it might not be wise to make such a radical decision. “A too-hasty breakup is often made in the heat of the moment. That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the wrong decision, but it could be,” Melanie advises waiting until emotions have calmed “to think with reason and awareness”. Then, it’s crucial to discuss issues with your partner, seek solutions together, or even see a couple’s therapist or coach.
2. Believing the grass is greener on the other side: Modern society also promotes the notion of consuming love and the belief that one might find something “better” elsewhere. “We’ve become very individualistic. As soon as we dislike something, we think there might be something better out there,” the therapist notes. Social media and dating apps constantly fuel the illusion of a perfect partner, often leading to abandoning a relationship that deserved more effort, all in pursuit of novelty.
3. Intolerance for disagreements or differences: A couple consists of two individuals, each with their own rhythms, preferences, and temperaments. Differences aren’t necessarily deal-breakers. “There are differences that can lead to a beautiful relationship,” the relationship expert emphasizes. According to her, only deep-seated incompatibilities—on values or life visions—justify a breakup. However, lifestyle differences, tastes, or habits can be managed. For instance, an early riser and a night owl can adjust their schedules. On the other hand, fundamental disagreements about having children or views on the relationship can present real incompatibilities.
4. Thinking frequent arguments spell the end: Not all arguments are created equal. What matters is how you argue, not how often. “You can argue every day, but if there’s respect and communication, it’s not a real problem,” Conversely, violent arguments, humiliations, or manipulation are red flags not to be ignored. “American psychologist John Gottman says that 69% of conflicts in a relationship will never be resolved,” adds Melanie. If you’re always arguing about the same issues, and nothing changes, perhaps it’s necessary to accept some disagreements, avoid placing blame, or adjust your expectations.
5. Separating due to a decrease in libido: Sexuality is often cited as a reason for breakup, usually mistakenly. Melanie Frison identifies two scenarios: on one hand, a naturally low libido—something known from the start of a relationship. On the other, a decrease in desire due to external factors like menstrual cycles, work, pregnancy, stress, or tensions within the relationship. “Before deciding ‘we’re splitting up because we’re no longer intimate,’ consider insecurities, stress, fatigue…” and perhaps consult a sexologist.
6. Running away instead of facing personal issues: “A breakup isn’t always an awakening or a liberation. It can be an escape that’s chosen without full awareness,” she explains. Some breakups are actually escapes from unresolved personal issues. The problem doesn’t necessarily stem from the relationship but from a lack of personal development.
7. Giving up at the first sign of fluctuating feelings: Nowadays, many couples split as soon as one partner feels “nothing.” However, feelings are not constant; they evolve. “Feelings and emotions fluctuate in a relationship,” the therapist points out. Instead of fleeing at the first dry spell, Melanie Frison encourages talking it out, working together, making an effort, and not mistaking a temporary lull for the end of love.

Thank you to Melanie Frison, therapist and coach specialized in romantic relationships.