Is Your Child Friendless? When to Worry and What to Do

Not every child finds it easy to fit in at school, particularly those with few friends who often find themselves spending time alone during recess. It’s important to distinguish between two scenarios, as Philippe Scialom explains: “Either the child has always been isolated, or the solitude emerged at a specific time. In the first case, the isolation dates back to kindergarten, the period of socialization,” he states. In such cases, the child may cry before going to school, lack confidence in groups, and be labeled as shy. Parents should encourage their child to interact with others, reassure them that it’s okay if some children do not want to play, and encourage them to express themselves, even at home. If nothing changes, the loneliness can become a source of distress and might require intervention.

Why Do Some Children Withdraw?

This issue, if it indeed is one, tends to affect girls more than boys. “It manifests like this: everything was fine with others initially, and then suddenly, there was a break. Girls need to assert themselves among each other, to compare. They can say very harsh things to each other… At this age, girls form exclusive friendships. If things go wrong, they experience it as abandonment. This issue is less common in boys because they are more group-oriented, with activities like ball games enhancing socialization,” Philippe Scialom emphasizes.

In teenagers, isolation can worsen. “Parents need to listen, encourage their child to socialize, and suggest activities… There’s real suffering involved. Moreover, it can trigger other issues. Relationships with others are never trivial, as they reflect the kind of relationships one has had with their parents,” adds the psychologist.

What Are the Possible Causes of Shyness?

A shy child often avoids birthdays, parties, or group games. Speech difficulties can further isolate them: unable to negotiate for a toy, they might withdraw or become aggressive. The family environment also plays a role. “Many parents then come to me and say: ‘It’s incredible, at home my child is joyous, but at school, they’re described as withdrawn, with no friends,’” notes Philippe Scialom.

At home, a child feels safe but may feel helpless without their parents, lacking independence. They might also remain silent to protect their mother or father. Frequent moves can also weaken their friendships and lead to repeated disruptions.

How to Support an Isolated Child

Without being intrusive, parents can ask simple questions occasionally: “Who did you play with? Would you like to invite a friend over?” Speaking with teachers can also help understand the situation better. Communication is key, but participating in group activities like theater or scouting can also boost sociability. Seeking professional consultation can help resolve issues: the earlier, the better.

Some children, like those who are exceptionally gifted, require specific support. “Once, a young person told me in my office, ‘I’m not interested in others, I don’t want an iPod like everyone else…’ I responded: ‘Take an interest in what they do, even if it’s just talking about the weather,’ the expert reports. ‘Communication is crucial. From a young age, children should be taught how to make small talk. If they haven’t learned, it will be hard for them to engage in such conversations later on.’