Kinky Sex Secrets: How Couples Keep Bedroom Boredom at Bay!

Opposite to “vanilla sex,” kinky sexuality attracts 56% of couples according to a survey conducted by Amorelie. Kinky sex “finds excitement in pleasure by tapping into the brain’s reward circuit,” explains clinical sexologist Isabelle Gace. But what exactly is it? How do you practice it? Is there a mild version? Or a more intense one? What if your partner prefers more traditional sex? Explore and get some advice here.

Definition: What Does “Kinky” Mean?

Being “kinky” or having “kinks” comes from American slang referring to activities and preferences that deviate from traditional sexuality. In English, “kinky” means naughty or unconventional. It involves going beyond masturbation, penetration, oral sex, and anal sex, to explore other ways of engaging sexually with one’s partner(s). Kinky practices or kinks can include erotic games, role-playing, the use of sex toys… or even more intense activities (bondage, spanking…).

How to Engage in Kinky Sex as a Couple?

Kinky sexuality doesn’t necessarily mean BDSM. You can spice up your sex life in different ways, stepping away from vanilla sex without diving into shibari or submission games.

► Making Love in Front of a Mirror

Add a mirror in front of your bed to get a full view of the sexual act. This allows you to watch your partner, see different positions, and get a taste of voyeurism – but of yourselves.

► Dirty Talk

Decide in advance on the words and phrases you’d like to hear and say, so it doesn’t catch your partner off guard. During sex, use naughty words, whisper what you’d like your partner to do to you, utter exciting phrases, describe your sensations…

► Hand Tying

You don’t need to tie up the entire body to add kinks to your encounter. Use a scarf to tie hands together or to the bed bars for a more intense experience.

► Blindfolding

Enhance your senses by blindfolding yourself to feel more intensely and surrender completely, being in the dark.

► Spanking

Commonly used during doggy style, erotic spanking stimulates the encounter and heightens arousal.

► Watching Each Other Masturbate

Let your partner watch you as you masturbate, to heat up the room and break away from vanilla sex. This kink appeals to many couples and promises maximum excitement.

What if You Want to Try BDSM?

If you want to incorporate your kinks into your interactions with your partner by flirting with or practicing BDSM, here are some tips:

► Talk to Your Partner: For a fulfilling sexual relationship, communication is key. If your desires are unusual, discuss them with your partner to understand their perspective and if they consent. Some sexual practices can be challenging to communicate, so ensure you have this conversation in a private setting where you can be vulnerable and share your fantasies. Express your kinks, your boundaries, and be receptive to responses. Do not judge your partner if they don’t share your desires and are not interested in fulfilling your fantasies.

► Use a Safeword

Borrow from BDSM by establishing a safeword, both verbal and non-verbal, that’s easy to remember. A simple, short word to use to stop the interaction at any moment.

► Stay Attentive

If your partner is open to kinky interactions and trying out some BDSM practices, remain attentive to ensure the entire experience is consensual from start to finish. Do this soberly and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

► Plan for Aftercare

Lastly, plan for aftercare following the sexual activity, which involves taking time for oneself, with a glass of water, a cuddle, or space for each if needed. Discuss your experience and feelings.

What if They Don’t Share Your Sexual Desires?

If you have a kinky sexuality and your partner is not interested, it can create an imbalance. “If you cannot agree on values and practices, breaking up can be considered,” Isabelle suggests. After discussing your desires, if your partner is uninterested, you should not try to convince them. “Asking them to try things they might like is not a consent-oriented approach since they might do it out of fear of being left,” says the sexologist. This pressure could bring up issues like fear of abandonment, “which is not positive sexuality.” In a relationship, if sexual desires are not mutual, breaking up can be considered, but there are also other ways to maintain the relationship. “Depending on expectations, one might decide to stay together while having extramarital relations, perhaps one weekend a month,” the professional adds. Others might consider an open relationship, turn to polyamory, or set up arrangements. However, the sexologist cautions, “arrangements might work temporarily, but if both partners are not 100% in agreement, they rarely succeed.”

Thanks to Isabelle Gace, clinical sexologist in Paris.