Manuella and Nicolas Celebrate 8 Years of Abstinence: “Solo Masturbation is Enough for Us!”

I met Nicolas during the summer when I was 25. He wasn’t my first boyfriend; I had previously been in two long-term relationships, each lasting two years, and had a few short flings. Nicolas, on the other hand, had very little experience. His extreme shyness and somewhat strict upbringing made him view sex as something almost sacred. Despite our different backgrounds in sexual education, we clicked instantly in the bedroom. It was the first time I felt deeply in love. Like many young couples, we spent a lot of time in bed, sometimes staying up all night cuddling. It was a fulfilling period for both of us.

Five years after we met, we had our first child. His arrival filled us with joy; he was very well-behaved and slept through the night after just a month. Thus, we were spared the exhaustion many new parents experience. Our sex life continued during the pregnancy and naturally persisted afterward, though less frequently during the early years of our son Marceau’s life. Since our first child was so easygoing, we quickly decided to try for a second. Unlike the first, this took longer, and our sexual life shifted. We became less spontaneous, both of us keeping an eye on the fertility calendar.

“We both agree to prioritize sleep over sex”

I noticed a shift in our sexuality, which became more mechanical and routine. Our goal was clearly to get pregnant rather than to enjoy the process, although the desire was still there. Seven years after Marceau’s arrival, we finally expanded our family. Our daughter was nothing like her brother. It took her three years to sleep through the night, and being older, we were less equipped to handle the fatigue. Some tension in our relationship was inevitable, and it also affected our intimacy. Clearly, we both agreed to prioritize sleep over sex.

In the five years following our daughter Lina’s arrival, our main goal was to rest whenever possible. Our weekly encounters became monthly, and over time, we couldn’t even recall if we’d been intimate the previous month or the month before. When we talked about it, there was no strain between us. We often joked about it, and spoke freely: “It’s been at least two months, right? Maybe we should make love before we forget how to do it,” Nicolas would say, laughing.

Over the years, as the intervals between our sexual encounters grew, our sexual relationship completely fizzled out. We love each other deeply, we cuddle a lot, but once in bed, the desire is gone. We’ve had many discussions about this, sometimes with differing opinions. Nicolas thinks we should just go for it, believing that desire will come with the act. I feel that if the spark is meant to come back, it will happen naturally if we love each other.

As long as we’re happy and open about it, I’m not overly concerned. We each take care of our needs privately, but no longer feel a sexual urge towards each other. It has been eight years since we last made love. I think seeing a sexologist could be helpful. After all, we’re still young, our children are growing up, and rediscovering intimacy, albeit different after years of abstinence, could be a new chapter in our relationship. Nicolas isn’t opposed, but we need to take that step!