Couples Thrive Despite Making Love Just Once a Month, Study Finds

For eight years, we were intimate everywhere and at any time. In parking lots, elevators, on beaches, dark alleys, and even on a public bench by the sea—nothing scared us. On the contrary, the thrill of potentially getting caught only excited us more. The most memorable moments were those away from our own bed. Our creativity knew no bounds and we never grew tired of each other. Back then, I used to circle the dates on my calendar when we had sex. It reassured me about the health of our relationship. I told Thomas that we were stronger than others and that our desire for each other would withstand the test of time. This might have remained true had we not decided to have a child.

After eight years together, we felt it was time to start a family. So, we went for it. I got pregnant very quickly. During the first three months of my pregnancy, I suffered from severe nausea and was incredibly tired, almost to the point of narcolepsy. Every little effort was a struggle, and I was filled with anxiety. Needless to say, during this period, my desire for sex was non-existent. I eagerly awaited the second trimester because all my friends had told me about the incredible surge in libido that comes with it. Unfortunately, that boost never came for me! Throughout my pregnancy, I felt no attraction to sex. Thomas understood that the drop in desire was purely situational. Still, it created a certain sexual distance between us.

We thought that the arrival of the baby would fix things, but it didn’t. My desire did not return as I had hoped, and worse, I tended to avoid moments of closeness and intimacy. Was it because I was breastfeeding our son? That he was draining all my energy, both literally and figuratively? Probably. It was tough to get back into the swing of things, but it happened gradually. The problem was that the frequency wasn’t there. Both my husband and I were constantly exhausted and didn’t feel up to it. Months passed, and we got used to this new normal. And that’s because we make an excellent parenting team! We are very close with our child who still (almost) always sleeps in our bed even though he’s now 3 years old. That certainly doesn’t help with maintaining intimacy.

In the first year after our son was born, I shared my concerns with my husband: how did we let things get this far? Why did we let the flame die out? Deep down, I’m still convinced that sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. However, there are times in life that are more or less conducive to fulfilling sex. Today, we only make love once a month, and we’re happy with that. Each encounter is intense and passionate like before. That reassures me: the chemistry is still there. But laziness and our roles as parents have taken precedence. Despite this, I firmly believe that the day we decide to, we can return to the rich sex life we had before…