Manuella and Nicolas Celebrate 8 Years of Abstinence: “Solo Masturbation is Enough for Us!”

I met Nicolas during the summer when I was 25. He wasn’t my first boyfriend; I had previously been in two two-year relationships and had a few short-lived flings. Nicolas, on the other hand, had very little experience. His extreme shyness and somewhat strict upbringing had made him hold sex in a somewhat sacred regard. Despite our different backgrounds in sexual education, our chemistry in bed was instant. It was the first time I felt deeply in love. Like many young couples, we spent a lot of time in bed, sometimes staying up all night cuddling. It was a fulfilling time for both of us.

Five years after we first met, we had our first child. His arrival filled us with joy, and he was a calm baby who slept through the night after just a month. Thus, we were spared the exhaustion many new parents experience. Our sex life continued unabated during the pregnancy and naturally persisted afterward, though less frequently during the early years of our son Marceau’s life. Since our first child was so easy, we quickly decided to try for a second. Unlike the first, this time we had to wait longer, and our sexual life changed. We became less spontaneous, with both of us keeping an eye on the calendar and fertility windows.

“We both agree to prioritize sleep over sex”

I noticed a shift in our sex life which became more mechanical and routine. Our focus was clearly on getting pregnant rather than enjoying the moment, although the desire was still there. Seven years after Marceau’s arrival, our family finally grew with the addition of a little girl. She was different from her brother, taking three years to sleep through the night. We were older and less resilient to fatigue. If there were some tensions in our relationship, they also manifested in our sex life. Clearly, we both agreed to prioritize sleep over sex.

In the first five years after Lina’s arrival, our main goal was to rest whenever possible. Our weekly encounters dwindled to monthly, and as time passed, we couldn’t even recall if we had been intimate the previous month or the one before. When we discussed this, there was no tension between us. We joked about it quite a bit and spoke freely: “It’s been at least two months, right? Maybe we should make love before we forget how to,” Nicolas would often say, laughing.

Over time, as our encounters became more spaced out, our sexual relationship completely vanished. We love each other deeply and cuddle a lot, but once in bed, the desire is gone. We’ve had many discussions about it, sometimes with differing opinions. Nicolas thinks we should just go for it, believing that appetite comes with eating. I feel that the spark can reignite on its own. If we love each other, our libido will naturally return.

As long as we are happy and open about the topic, I’m not overly concerned. We each take care of our needs privately, but we no longer feel a sexual pull towards each other. It has been eight years since we last were intimate. I think seeing a sex therapist could be beneficial. After all, we are still young, our children are growing, and rediscovering intimacy, albeit different after all these years of abstinence, could be a new chapter in our relationship. Nicolas is open to the idea, but we need to take that step!