Struggling to Play with Your Child? Here’s What You Need to Know!

Many mothers are hesitant to discuss their reluctance to play with their children, feeling guilty and ashamed. There could be various reasons, but they fear being perceived negatively. Stephan Valentin, a doctor in psychology specializing in children and adolescents, clarifies this non-issue for Women’s Journal in an interview.

Women’s Journal: Some mothers feel guilty or abnormal for not enjoying playtime with their children. How can they be supported?

Stephan Valentin: Not enjoying playtime with your child doesn’t mean you don’t love them. There are other ways to spend quality time with your child, like visiting the zoo, crafting, or reading them a story… It’s about enjoying the time spent together.

Is there a difference between not liking to play and not wanting to?

At first glance, “not wanting to” might seem more intentional. For me, this only adds to the feeling of guilt. Many mothers struggle, for instance, to play dolls with their daughter or Legos with their son but are afraid to express this to avoid judgment.

Why do some mothers dislike or not want to play?

Sometimes a mother might feel too exhausted or unable to concentrate enough to engage in play. In other cases, her own parents might not have played with her as a child, and she ends up repeating this behavior with her own children. Every parent has the right to their own preferences. If a mother isn’t fond of playing trains with her child, perhaps the father can take on that playmate role. There are also other children who will likely play with them, and besides, every child also enjoys some solo playtime.

How important is playtime?

Play is crucial for developing social skills in children. Playing with dolls, for example, involves role-playing where a child can emulate being a parent, enhancing their empathy. Game rules teach them that life also has rules, fostering respect for fellow players and listening skills. Role-playing games, in particular, foster creativity and imagination in children, allowing them to reenact real-life events and manage them better in the future. Play also enhances motor skills, helps children manage frustration, improves focus, and supports language development.

Are there any risks involved?

A risk emerges if a parent neglects their child. If a child doesn’t have the opportunity to play with others, they can’t develop their social skills properly.

How does a child perceive this situation? Do they see it as a lack of interest from their parents?

Some children may feel disappointed if their mother doesn’t want to play with them, especially if they’ve seen other children playing with their parents. It’s important for mothers to communicate that while they may not enjoy playing, they love doing many other activities with them. Often, this is simply related to the child’s age. For instance, when a child is old enough to play card games or board games, mothers may find themselves wanting to join in.

Can mothers learn to play with their children?

Absolutely, mothers can ask their children to show them how to play.

What advice would you give these mothers?

• Don’t feel guilty. You are not a bad mother because you aren’t enjoying playtime with your child right now. Generally, the desire returns as the child gets older.
• Arrange playdates with other children so yours can play.
• Take your child to the park or playground to play with others.
• Try to engage in play occasionally. Sometimes the desire to play comes by just starting; it can be refreshing to feel a bit like a child again.

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