Teach Your Child Sharing: Essential Tips for Parents!

Every parent has noticed how a toy, previously ignored by their child, suddenly becomes fascinating once another child shows interest in it. “So much of a child’s desire is shaped by the desires of others,” notes Dr. Stéphane Clerget, a child psychiatrist and author of the book Treating Hyperactive Children without Medication (Ed. Fayard). It’s important to understand that up to the age of 8 or 9 months, babies feel as though they are one with their mother. As they begin to develop their ego, they gradually come to realize that they are separate individuals with their own desires and fears. “They start to grasp the concept of ownership around the age of 2 or 3,” Dr. Clerget reminds us. Initially, children play side by side and only start interacting over time, yet they often want what the other has, disrupting the play. They struggle to develop a play scenario and therefore to play cooperatively. “Kids get particularly anxious when friends come over and take toys from their room. It becomes distressing because they worry about losing possessions they’ve started to emotionally invest in. Watching other children play with their toys can feel as intrusive as if they were playing with their mother” emphasizes Dr. Clerget.

Older Children Are Less Likely to Lend Their Toys

It’s notable that the children least likely to lend are the oldest, as they had more undivided attention before the arrival of siblings. Middle children, on the other hand, often act as intermediaries and become future diplomats. They form alliances sometimes with the eldest and other times with the youngest, understanding that giving or lending can be a way to build relationships. Interestingly, only children are not necessarily more possessive than others. “To compensate for being alone, many only children learn to forge strong friendships, often considering these friends as honorary siblings. This relationship also extends to lending and exchanging toys,” notes Dr. Clerget.

The Age of Reason… and Sharing

As children reach the “age of reason” and start primary school, they become more willing to share and lend! “By the age of 6 or 7, children should rationally learn to restrain themselves through the upbringing they’ve received and to tolerate the idea of other kids playing with their toys without feeling harmed,” Dr. Clerget points out. However, if your child continues to refuse to share, consider whether this happens with all children or just siblings. An unwillingness to lend among family members may simply be a symptom of sibling rivalry. Conversely, if they refuse to share with everyone, it may be time to intervene as this could hinder their social interactions and isolate them from peers.

How Can You Teach Your Child to Lend Their Toys?

You shouldn’t force your child to lend their toys, but rather discuss it with them, asking what they fear in order to address their anxieties. “It’s also about explaining the benefits of lending: it helps them receive favors in return. Help them choose which objects they are willing to lend and which they prefer to keep to themselves. In families with multiple children, consider buying toys individually, but also communal gifts that belong to no one in particular,” the expert advises. Also, engage in collective games like board games, and especially team games, which can foster a spirit of sharing.