Toxic Parenting: Behaviors That Harm Children Most

Not all parents consistently show kindness towards their children. Some, whether intentionally or not, display damaging behaviors that can deeply affect their children’s emotional development. A prime example is a toxic parent, an adult who is self-absorbed and engages in a form of abuse and manipulation, sometimes without full awareness, explains Dr. Stéphane Clerget, a pediatric psychiatrist and author of Psychic Vampires (Livre de Poche). There are generally telltale signs. Dr. Clerget identifies several types of toxic parents:

1 – Self-Centered Parents

“Toxic parents cause problems for their children because they prioritize their own well-being above that of their children,” the French pediatric psychiatrist notes.

2 – Parents Who Seek Care from Their Children

“These parents also ask their children to take care of them as if the roles were reversed. They seek only their own benefit in the relationship with the child, thereby imposing an inappropriate role on them,” he points out.

3 – Parents Who Don’t Manage Their Emotions

Dysfunctional parents are also those who fail to, or choose not to, contain their emotions, a behavior that becomes consistent. “A parent’s role includes shielding the child from negative environmental emotions, as well as their own,” the specialist clarifies.

4 – Parents Who Favor Certain Children Over Others

Another indicator is parents who show a clear preference for certain children. “It’s possible to favor one child while still providing sufficiently for another. If one becomes hateful towards the other, it becomes abuse,” Dr. Clerget emphasizes.

5 – Parents Who Project Their Dreams onto Their Children

Parents who use their children to fulfill their own aspirations also demonstrate a form of toxic parenting. “They are manipulative because they exploit their children for personal gain. Some make them star in YouTube videos or attend auditions because they dreamt of a certain type of fame,” comments the expert.

Do Toxic Parents Stem from a Lineage of Toxic Parents?

It’s common for harmful parents to replicate the patterns of their own upbringing, but they may also have been children burdened with high expectations and heavy emotional involvement from their own parents. “A spoiled child who becomes a parent might not want to care for their children, remaining extremely narcissistic and self-focused as has always been their experience. This might be the worst type of toxic parent,” confirms our expert.

Toxic parenting has both short- and long-term consequences on children. “The issue is the absence of benevolent parenting. This leaves voids in everything these now-adult children lacked, which was crucial for their proper development when they were younger.“

What to Do If You Have a Toxic Parent?

Dr. Stéphane Clerget advises establishing distance and, if necessary, severing ties with the toxic parent, whether verbally or in writing. “I meet many individuals who had toxic parents and find it very difficult to cut ties. They continue to let themselves be drained and wait in hope that their parents will change. Unfortunately, this almost never happens,” he indicates. The expert also suggests finding surrogate parental figures. “This is often the role of step-parents who can more easily help create distance from the toxic parents,” he adds.