The Most Valuable Phrase in Parenting, According to an Expert
During her appearance on the podcast “Raising Good Humans,” psychologist Lisa Damour, an expert on teenagers, shared a phrase that she believes is crucial for all parents. She even claims that “you can’t parent without it”. Her idea revolves around a simple concept: children often need to be heard before they need assistance. When a child approaches with an issue, they’re not always looking for an immediate solution. Instead, they’re seeking a space to express their feelings. By allowing this time, parents send a powerful message: you can rely on me, I’m listening, I trust you. This trust enhances the bond and shows the child that they are capable of thinking through and solving their own problems.
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Recent statistics support this approach. A 2024 study conducted by the Walton Family Foundation and Gallup, in partnership with Lisa Damour, revealed that 62% of Generation Z youths prefer their parents simply listen to them when they are upset. Less than a third are seeking advice. Essentially, teenagers are not avoiding conversations; they’re avoiding the rush to offer solutions.
In light of this, the expert suggests using phrases that validate the child’s feelings: “Of course you’re upset”, “What you’re describing sounds painful”, or simply “I understand”. Such responses usually suffice to ease the tension. They communicate that the child’s emotions are valid, which is exactly what they need to move forward. Lisa Damour’s message is clear: parenting isn’t about solving problems, it’s about providing support. It involves giving space for expression and accepting that not everything can be controlled. For this, she offers a simple yet profound question she calls “the most valuable phrase in all of parenting”: “Do you want my help, or do you just need to vent?”
By asking this, you show that you trust your child to handle the issues they face. Of course, if a problem persists or seems particularly burdensome, a parent might need to step in. However, even then, the initial step remains the same: listen first and foremost.
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