Experts Warn: Stop Saying This Common Phrase to Comfort Kids—Here’s What to Say Instead

Whether it’s sadness, fear, anger, or pain, no one likes to see a child (or a person of any age) in tears. Our natural empathy compels us to comfort them, to make them feel better. And in doing so, many of us instinctively use a certain phrase to offer solace. This action is so widespread that Dr. Willough Jenkins, a Canadian child psychiatrist, has pointed out on Instagram that it is the “most common mistake parents make.” Even though our intentions are good when we say it, childhood development and psychology experts agree that there’s a better approach.

Telling a child “stop crying” “sends the message that their feelings are not valid,” states Dr. Jenkins. “Crying is a natural way to express emotions, and it’s crucial for children to feel safe when expressing how they feel,” she continues. Ashley Pagenkopf, a childhood specialist, further explains in an article from the Checkup Newsroom that crying is a coping mechanism that triggers the release of oxytocin and endorphins, hormones associated with well-being. Therefore, crying can actually be beneficial for emotional release.

While it’s not appropriate to tell a child to stop crying, this doesn’t mean you can’t comfort and support them. Pagenkopf suggests saying things like “It’s okay to cry. Let’s take some deep breaths,” “I know this is really hard and you feel overwhelmed. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m here for you,” or “This is really tough, but you can do tough things.” Dr. Jenkins agrees, recommending phrases like “It’s normal to feel sad—let’s talk about it.” “Supporting emotional expression helps children learn to cope with their emotions in a healthy way. Let’s encourage emotional honesty and build resilience,” she concludes.

Indeed, a child needs to feel understood above all, especially in their moments of distress. Allowing a child to cry helps them to express and externalize their pain while you guide them towards a resolution. Clearly, being attentive and engaging in conversation with your child will help them move forward and eventually dry their tears.