Troubled Father-Son Relationships: Unveiling the Complexity

The best way to succeed in this challenge is to maintain a constant expectation that the child will independently choose the most beneficial path for himself, which is, of course, not the easiest. His education will be successful if he naturally gravitates towards the greatest difficulties and dedicates all his energy to overcoming them. Gifted children, in particular, are very receptive to this demand; they are too young, too eager, and especially too anxious to please their parents by meeting their expectations, even if those aren’t always explicitly stated, to rebel.

This often unspoken demand might actually place the most pressure: the father is puzzled by a slightly lower grade, he expresses his dissatisfaction, then his concern: could something be wrong? An unusual state of tiredness? A childhood illness about to emerge? One can’t consider a lack of preparation or, what would be even more serious, and indeed tragic, a lack of concern for his performance? The thought of a possibly irreparable incapacity is briefly considered and clearly understood by the child who has fallen short.

The son realizes that these few missing points could signify the beginning of a disaster in his father’s eyes, whereas the teacher sees this minor dip as an insignificant incident, not even worth dwelling on, especially for a student who is diligent and often excels. The teacher doesn’t care about her students’ results, the father will say, who remains alert to even the smallest decline; she hasn’t even looked for the cause of this lapse, which could be the start of an even more severe downfall, ruining all potential future successes.

This is just one example of a father’s attitude, deeply concerned about his son’s success so that he may enter adulthood with every chance of success, at least that’s the image that might appear on the surface. In reality, this son is beginning to be crushed under the immense weight of these constant demands, imposed relentlessly without a moment of needed respite. He has understood that no matter what he does, it will never be good enough to meet his father’s high expectations for his path.

For him, a future of austerity is being shaped, his leisure activities subjected to the same rules of achieving success at any cost. If he plays sports, he must be the best, win at tennis tournaments, run faster, jump higher; it’s pointless for him to try football, it’s not in this sport that he can shine later on. If he has shown any talent in chess, he must be among the champions in his category.

No matter if his father has never been keen on sports or never excelled in a chess tournament, it’s not about comparison, it’s about reaching the peaks, whatever the discipline. This is an ambition almost impossible to fulfill: it is then objectively shown that this boy, who seemed promising, does not fulfill his promises. He is disappointing, even mediocre… The demonstration has reached its goal: the son will never surpass his father, he will stagnate at an average level, and he will already be exhausted from his efforts. The reasons for these deadly demands should be explored, but the immediate environment may not have the necessary mindset, especially as it could be dangerous to undertake such an analysis, as seen when seemingly more robust constructs have collapsed under similar circumstances. This son, burdened with constraints, will make it through; he possesses a certain strength. Indeed, he makes it, but at the cost of many sacrifices and numerous prohibitions he has imposed on himself from what he has perceived, more or less consciously, but unfortunately, mostly less consciously, of his father’s attitude.

These impossible daily demands have prevented a child, talented as he may be, from forming a solid and strong self-image. He will forever remain the child who exerts all his efforts but can never fully satisfy his father. He will always fall short of others’ expectations, no matter what he does.

A Resentment Hidden in the Father’s Childhood

The father can be reassured, he has eliminated all danger, his son will not surpass him, but he is still not sufficiently calmed. He will continuously dwell on his bitterness at the thought that he disappointed himself because he was unable to fulfill his own ambitions, and the excuses he makes are not really credible, he is aware of that. For some, there will be, during a brief moment of respite, a softening of the resentment that eats at him when he thinks of his brother, so brilliant and whose success is undeniable. His son has always irresistibly reminded him of this dazzling brother, indeed uncle and nephew share a resemblance, a peculiar complicity brings them closer at family gatherings. It could also be a sister, so brilliant and radiant that she captures all the attention and succeeds in all her endeavors with a sort of nonchalance, exasperating for a bitter brother, admirable for their parents.

In such a context, the mother of this troubled boy suffers for him, she feels his distress, but she also knows that if she protests to defend him the reaction will be unequivocal: raising a boy is a man’s job, we’re not going to make him a loser by giving in to his whims and being too indulgent, everyone knows about mothers’ weakness for their sons, it leads to disaster. The discussion is closed.

Advice: try to find in the close environment, or with a psychologist, a reassuring figure who can reflect back to this distressed child a true image of himself, where his intellectual sharpness, his skill in multiple activities, and especially his infinite kindness are recognized, discussed with the richness they bring to a personality. A mother alone in this role is less credible, as she is blinded by maternal love… It must be an image endowed with undeniable authority who can play this essential role in such a setting.