Why Saying “I Love You” to Parents Is Hard for Many: Insights from a Therapist

Not everyone is comfortable with saying “I love you.” Some need to hear and express it frequently, while others feel awkward using these emotionally charged words, even when their love is genuine. Surprisingly, a Pollfish survey conducted for Vistaprint ahead of Mother’s Day reveals that more than half of French people (51.4%) find it difficult to say “I love you” to their mother.

If childhood was not marred by major trauma, one would expect the family to be the ultimate safe space: theoretically, parents are the ones who love us most deeply and unconditionally. So, why the hesitation in expressing our feelings? The most common justification seems to be, “They know it, so there’s no need to say it.” However, the issue is much deeper. Lesly Lapilus Merius, a family therapist, helps us unravel this widespread phenomenon that prevents us from verbalizing our love for our family.

The family dynamic plays a significant role: it all depends on the importance parents themselves placed on saying “I love you.” “Family myths often create barriers to expressing love. For example, in families from highly patriarchal cultures that view emotions as a weakness, this mindset tends to continue across generations,” explains the therapist. But even in families where “I love you” was commonly expressed during childhood, adults might still feel a block. This can lead to a vulnerability or even a fear of seeming overly sentimental: “There’s a sort of fear of embarrassment. It might be easier to say I love you to your mom when you’re young than when you’re 30, where you might feel somewhat awkward,” suggests Lesly Lapilus Merius.

Interestingly, the reverse is also true: some parents find it easier to say these words when their children are very young and tend to say it less (or stop altogether) as they grow into teenagers and adults. However, “humans need reassurance” throughout their lives. While children need to grow in a loving environment, parents also “need reassurance” once their children are grown, “to know that they still matter in their child’s eyes and heart.” Hearing an “I love you” also serves as validation, indicating “what kind of parent they have been to their child.”

According to the same survey, 42.8% of French people regret not having expressed certain things to their mother. This statistic highlights the significant impact of these unspoken words and echoes the often-heard advice: “Say it before it’s too late.” The therapist notes that these telling figures also reflect a cultural pattern. “There’s a certain modesty around sharing emotions, possibly linked to the customs of our country. The French are known for their reserve; we don’t speak loudly in public, we don’t talk about our problems… We often focus on performance and elitism, and sometimes forget to discuss our emotions.” Moreover, Lesly Lapilus Merius links this to “the social pressure surrounding Mother’s Day and similar celebrations,” which can also heighten the difficulty in expressing love.

While love certainly extends beyond words, it is entirely possible to overcome this barrier. For someone who wants to say “I love you” to a family member for the first time after years of silence, Lesly Lapilus Merius recommends “starting with written communication.” Whether it’s a letter, a Mother’s Day card, or a simple text message, writing can be an excellent emotional mediator that helps bypass the inhibition experienced in face-to-face interactions. “It helps reduce the fear of direct confrontation. You don’t have to make grand declarations; sometimes, simple words are enough to begin.”