Oedipus Complex: What Age & How to React? Unraveling the Mystery!

The Oedipus complex is a stage during which a child distances themselves from the parent of the same sex and expresses love towards the other parent. It is common for little girls to say they are “in love” with their father, or for little boys to express a desire to marry their mother when they grow up. This is a crucial step in the development of their personality. Initially, it was Sigmund Freud who articulated this central concept of psychoanalysis in the early 20th century, drawing from a Greek antiquity myth.

What is the Oedipus Complex?

According to Freud, as defined by Larousse, the Oedipus complex entails “all the loving and hostile desires that a child feels towards their parents.” In essence, the Oedipus complex corresponds to the phase during which a child rejects the parent of the same sex. Unconsciously, the child desires the other parent and sees themselves as the chosen one of their heart. Generally, a little boy will fall in love with his mother and a little girl with her father, known as the positive Oedipus complex. However, though less common, scenarios occur where the child rejects the opposite-sex parent and thus loves the same-sex parent, which is called the reversed or negative Oedipus complex.

At What Age Does the Oedipus Complex Occur in Children?

The Oedipus complex typically emerges around ages 3 or 4 and lasts several years. It indeed ends when “the child realizes that their parents love each other and that their scheme will not work, usually coinciding with starting elementary school,” the psychologist notes.

How to Recognize a Child’s Behavior in Response to the Oedipus Complex?

Each child approaches the Oedipus complex uniquely. There isn’t a strict parallel between what’s happening in their mind and their actions. Behavioral signs vary, but it appears that “the child tends to idolize the parent they are in love with. They might call them ‘dear mom or dad’, constantly want to kiss them, and always want to be around them…“, explains Stephan Valentin, a doctor of psychology. Conversely, the other parent is rejected. The child refuses to kiss them and, if feeling competitive, also wants to emulate them. This situation can sometimes be challenging for the non-favored parent who feels sidelined, but it should be taken with humor and perspective. The psychologist also points out that nightmares about monsters that the child later experiences reflect their guilt over rejecting the other parent.

What to Do, How to Respond to the Oedipus Complex?

“It is crucial not to leave your child in a state of constant excitement. The child is overwhelmed by their emotions and unable to self-regulate. For instance, parents should avoid letting the child constantly kiss the favored parent, illustrates Stephan Valentin. It’s important to set boundaries, even though it’s often hard for parents to say ‘no’ when their child is showing so much affection. A certain distance must be maintained with the child. They need to find a balance between expressing their love and moving beyond it.“

What if They Want to Sleep in the Parents’ Bed?

While it’s necessary to establish clear boundaries, parents must also reassure their child of their love. A child in this phase often loves to be in their parents’ bed, ideally between them to monitor what’s happening. This should not be encouraged. “If they want to be in their parents’ bed, it’s okay, but next to the parent they are not in love with. They will likely soon want to return to their own room. Parents can also place a mattress next to the bed, again on the side of the non-favored parent,” the expert advises. Each family situation is unique, so don’t hesitate to seek help if you’re struggling.

How to Handle Single-Parent or Blended Families?

• In the case of a separation, the child’s desire to remove the partner has been realized. It’s crucial to make them understand they are not responsible for the situation, that their parents will always love them, and their dad remains their dad…
• When a parent dies, it’s also very important to reassure and absolve the child of guilt. It can indeed be a real shock for them to realize that what they “desired” deep down has actually happened.
• When the parent is single, the child’s attention is usually focused on someone close. It’s then necessary to guide and set boundaries. Moreover, when a parent is single or temporarily absent, “it’s common for the parent to invite their child to sleep with them, but this isn’t a good idea! Sleeping in the marital bed, the child fantasizes about being the partner. They are better off in their own room,” confirms Stephan Valentin.

What is an Unresolved Oedipus Complex, What Are the Consequences?

“A person who has not resolved the Oedipus complex generally feels guilty during sexual relations, as they imagine betraying their mother or father, the psychologist explains. Furthermore, these individuals often choose a partner who resembles one of their parents. It’s important to be aware of this and work on oneself if concerned.” However, if it causes problems in forming romantic relationships or leads to unhappiness, it’s advisable to consult a specialist.

Reversed or Negative Oedipus Complex

It’s uncommon for a child to fall in love with the parent of the same sex. However, when it does happen, the response should be the same as with a positive Oedipus complex. Without being harsh, the father or mother should explain to their child that they are in a relationship with the other parent, but that they will always love them.

Who is Oedipus in Greek Mythology?

The Oedipus complex refers to a well-known story from Greek mythology. Oedipus is the son of Laius, the king of Thebes, and Jocasta. An oracle predicts that the king will be killed by his own son… Laius thus decides to abandon him. The child is taken in by the king of Corinth and grows up unaware of his true identity. Later, Oedipus learns from another oracle that he will kill his father. To protect the man he believes to be his father, he decides to flee the city. During his journey, he encounters Laius, whom he mistakes for a thief and kills. Oedipus then marries the king’s wife, who is none other than his mother Jocasta.

Stephan Valentin is the author of “We Will Always Be There for You” published by Pfefferkorn Editions.