Why Kids Say “No” to Everything: Understanding & Reacting to the Oppositional Phase

The oppositional phase, often referred to as the “no stage,” typically appears in most young children around 18 months of age. It is a crucial part of a child’s development, during which your toddler begins to assert themselves more, seeks independence, and frequently uses the powerful “no”. For parents, this period can be challenging to understand and navigate as emotions and tears can vary dramatically from day to day. Psychologist Céline Masmonteil offers her advice on how to calmly handle this stage.

When Does the Oppositional Phase Start?

The oppositional phase typically occurs between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, often peaking around the child’s second year, hence the term “terrible twos.” “The oppositional phase is a perfectly normal part of a child’s development. It would actually be concerning if it didn’t occur,” explains Céline Masmonteil.

How Long Does the “No” Stage Last?

The “no” stage can last from several months to a few years. Generally, it persists until the child turns three.

Why Does a Baby Say “No” to Everything?

This “no” stage, reminiscent of a mini adolescent crisis, represents the child’s “need to assert themselves through confrontation,” the expert explains. As they grow, their language develops, and they become aware of their individuality and “discover their independence while recognizing their dependency,” she adds. On one hand, there’s everything they want to do by themselves, and on the other, the reality of what they can actually do. Thus, any obstacle becomes a disaster. Psychologist Céline Masmonteil likens this to a true emotional storm: “the child turns red, gets hot, and stomps their feet. The expression of their anger is primarily physical,” she comments.

Why Is the Oppositional Phase Beneficial for the Child?

Although this phase can be tough, it is actually essential for the child’s development. “This phase, very structuring for the future, reveals their uniqueness, the affirmation of their personality, and their needs. It is exciting because the child becomes aware of their place in the world and the impact their reactions have on others. But it is also scary because they face frustration and a simple reality principle: you can’t always do what you want,” emphasizes the specialist. This is precisely where parents play a crucial role in helping the child understand their emotions and setting certain boundaries.

How to Manage the “No” Stage?

During the “no” stage, parents often feel helpless during their children’s tantrums. They are unsure how to react and sometimes fear being overly authoritative. “Parents have many questions, and there is a real question about the legitimacy of the authority role. ‘Do I have the right to limit this? Will it traumatize them?’“, lists the expert. However, she reassures parents: “you have a responsibility, which is to set limits to your child’s omnipotence. By standing firm against their anger and aggression, you show that you are there. And what could be more reassuring for a child than to feel their parent is reliable?”

Helping Your Child Express Their Emotions

First and foremost, the expert advises helping the child articulate their feelings by talking about what they are experiencing. “You’re upset, you’re very angry, I understand. But we can’t always do what we want.” It’s important to explain that you understand their anger, but also explain why they need to wear a coat to go outside, or why they can’t have a candy just before dinner.

Finding Alternatives

When a child feels frustrated about not getting what they want, you can offer them an alternative at that moment, like a piece of carrot if you are preparing an appetizer. It’s crucial to stay positive and keep the dialogue open.

Reassuring the Child

If the child is having a meltdown, the best approach is to gently hold and contain them to reassure them, but also to prevent them from hurting themselves or others. Then, discuss with them what just happened. The right authority is one that says, “I can’t let you do whatever you want,” states the psychologist.

Teaching the Child to Make Amends

It’s important to teach them to express their anger in other ways and also encourage them to “make amends” when they mess up: “cleaning up the room, fixing the mistake, or all this helps prevent them from feeling guilty afterwards,” says Céline Masmonteil.

How to React During the Oppositional Phase?

Not teaching a child to control their emotions and handle frustration is risky. They need to understand that while they are not to blame for their emotions, these must still be regulated. By not responding, parents essentially put their child at risk. “Nothing is more tyrannical than a child who feels responsible for authority, an authority based on anxiety. This can lead to significant discomfort, as well as relational difficulties and danger outside the secure family environment. At daycare, at school, or in their future life, these outbursts take on a whole new dimension,” the psychologist insists.

Moreover, children are very sensitive to their parents’ attitudes. It’s hard for them to understand that they should greet someone when entering a store if you don’t do it yourself… Parents must be consistent in their words and actions: “Hitting a child’s hand to tell them not to hit, yelling at a child to tell them not to yell, makes no sense!“, she reminds. The parent’s word must also be credible. “Em>Blackmail is ineffective! If you say something, you must follow through, absolutely“, the expert insists.