Can You Cheat Impulsively? Unpacking Sudden Infidelity!

“I cheated on you, I made a mistake.” Such a statement invites questioning. Can infidelity truly be something that occurs spontaneously? According to Anne Dubois Dejean, a marital and family counselor and therapist trained in sexology, it’s more accurate to discuss extramarital affairs rather than using terms like infidelity or adultery. The way individuals involved define their actions is intriguing as it opens up a deeper reflection on the meaning behind their actions and the nature of their commitment.

When two individuals enter into a relationship, they are essentially bound by an initial agreement, which may be more or less explicit. This includes moral prohibitions, such as not engaging in sexual activities with someone else, and in some cases, not sharing intimacies with a third party. “Some actions are perceived as betrayals, as infidelities, even if they are not intimate relationships. For example, it could be a husband sharing confidences with another woman. In my view, infidelity has many faces: it’s important to distinguish between a long-term extramarital relationship and one that happens impulsively and ends quickly,” she reveals. However, the pain experienced by the spouse can be equally severe in both scenarios.

“It All Begins with a Pile-Up of Destabilizing Factors”

An impulsive extramarital affair, which the person later regrets, responds to a need that is not always clear at a specific moment, a need that may not always be connected to what is happening within the official relationship. “It all starts with an accumulation of destabilizing factors. The person may have been unhappy at work for a long time, living through intense stress or enduring frequent arguments… Then, suddenly, someone comes along who shows understanding, empathy, offers affection, providing comfort through comforting gestures or words. It wasn’t planned, but the result of a chance meeting between one or two troubled souls and a soothing individual. Ultimately, this infidelity can be a chaotic way to address neglected needs, even though other solutions might have been healthier and more effective as they would have caused less suffering,” explains Anne Dubois Dejean.

In the moment, the individual does not consider the consequences of their actions. “They give in to a moment of well-being, which is often followed by remorse and guilt,” she notes. Besides these conducive conditions, an impulsive extramarital affair can also involve a partner who is happy in their relationship but seeks the thrill and intensity missing from their life, rediscovering the exhilarating conditions that mimic the early stages of a romantic relationship. “At the beginning of a relationship, everything feels intensely exciting. It’s about discovering someone new, the novelty, the adrenaline—it’s essentially pure hormonal excitement. The extramarital affair provides a chance to revisit these intense sensations, albeit briefly.”

Individuals are not solely fulfilled by their relationship. We must not forget the individual aspects such as personal achievement, profession, or navigating stages of separation from one’s family of origin. “An extramarital affair can fill a void in self-esteem or enhance feelings of personal worth, or even reassure someone concerned about their attractiveness on the ‘dating market.'”

Finally, from the therapist’s experience, an extramarital affair can occur during times of vulnerability: the loss of a parent, the birth of a child, a job loss, a challenging diagnosis, or stressful times with children that can lead to anxiety and sadness. The individual then seeks quick and easy ways to find peace and comfort. In summary, spontaneous infidelity is possible and can affect anyone, but not just at any time. “Cheating occurs at moments of vulnerability or during life cycle transitions, when an individual’s life becomes disorganized and they need to reorganize in a new way.” Understanding the reasons and circumstances under which this infidelity occurred is crucial to prevent its recurrence, especially if it has caused pain.

Special thanks to Ms. Anne Dubois Dejean, marital counselor and family and couple therapist.