Many Couples Fall Into This Trap: The Seemingly Harmless Behavior That Kills Love Slowly

In the dynamics of a romantic relationship, certain actions and habits might seem minor but are actually toxic to the bond between partners. This is especially true as time goes on. While each relationship is unique, there are universally harmful behaviors that, when accumulated, gradually erode love. Anne Dejean Dubois, a family and couples counselor, shares her insights on these seemingly inconsequential behaviors that significantly weaken connections.

The first destructive habit involves daily discourtesies. “Helping yourself first, not notifying about being late, or uttering insults are real romance killers. Courtesy and politeness are often present at the beginning of a relationship and should continue,” the therapist explains, expressing her concern. This decline in respect also encompasses more contemporary habits: “Rudeness also suffocates love, like constantly checking your smartphone. This rudeness raises questions about the quality of one’s presence in the relationship”. Similarly, one should avoid “relational incontinence,” which involves speaking without a filter. It’s crucial to hold back certain words because, even if apologies follow, the damage is done.

The second love-diminishing behavior is disrespecting the other’s privacy. Maintaining some personal secrets is valuable and necessary for both personal balance and the relationship’s health. “We don’t need to share every detail of our personal lives, such as leaving the bathroom door open. Keeping some modesty and mystery is vital for the relationship,” asserts Anne Dejean Dubois. Crossing this boundary leads to severe intrusions, such as snooping through a partner’s phone. “It’s a matter of privacy. People are messaging me, not my partner. Checking someone else’s phone without their knowledge is highly intrusive,” she stresses. This tendency towards intrusion can even evolve into a form of control when one partner attempts to dominate the other subtly, for example by “sending dozens of texts a day” or consistently demanding explanations.

Lastly, two additional behaviors also slowly extinguish love: clashing with the other’s values and neglecting seduction. The former is seen in actions like “littering, making crude jokes, or making disrespectful sexual requests…”. As for the latter, many couples forget that at the start of their relationship, they each tended to their “storefront” and that this effort should continue throughout their lives. Continuing to seduce, to dress up, and to maintain one’s physical appearance also contributes to mental well-being. “Before doing it for your loved one, you should do it for yourself. Taking care of your appearance is a way of respecting your dignity,” the therapist adds. “Commit to continuously being mindful about your physical appearance to keep the spark of attraction alive, and to feel and look good for both yourself and your partner.”

Anne Dejean Dubois, family and couples counselor, couples and family therapist, and trained in sexology.