Can You Love Your Partner But No Longer Desire Them? Find Out!

“I love them, but I don’t feel attracted to them anymore.” This statement, far from being contradictory, can indeed reflect the reality of some relationships. It’s entirely possible to deeply love your partner while no longer feeling sexual attraction towards them. According to sexologist and couples therapist Virginie Clarenc, several factors can contribute to a decline in desire. “Fatigue, pain, health issues, pressure to engage sexually at all costs, or a lack of space to create eroticism can influence desire,” notes the expert. She continues: “Sometimes the quality of the sexual relationship is not satisfying for one, the attraction to the other may have faded, or one might feel hurt by their partner, making it impossible to connect.”

These various factors can affect one’s desire for intimacy but do not necessarily indicate a lack of love, infidelity, or foretell a breakup, the sexologist points out. “Not desiring your partner does not mean it won’t come back. It’s also not anyone’s fault,” she insists. At the beginning of a relationship, novelty, discovering each other, and the excitement of the first moments can fuel intense desire. However, this is naturally prone to change over time, just as the relationship itself does. “Love and desire are two different things,” emphasizes Virginie Clarenc. “One can love deeply without desiring. Libido is fluctuating; just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t experience these variations. It’s part of the normality in a relationship,” she adds.

Overcoming Guilt and Pressure

If the lack of desire is burdensome for one of the partners, it is crucial to express one’s needs and feelings to the other without placing blame, through compassionate and non-judgmental communication. “It’s important to normalize these fluctuations of desire, which are not an indicator of the relationship’s satisfaction,” clarifies the sexologist. If there’s a wish to physically reconnect, couples can explore options together: “Talking about the relationship, focusing on affection before discussing sexuality, or listening to an erotic podcast… these can be various ways to rekindle interest,” suggests the expert. Time dedicated to the couple is also crucial. Sharing quality moments, breaking the routine, or changing certain habits can help reignite desire. Altering the environment, room, or timing of sexual encounters can, for example, introduce a sense of novelty back into the sexual relationship.

Rather than feeling guilty about a decrease in desire, it’s important to understand the underlying causes. “It’s crucial to try to understand what has dampened the desire. Setting aside time to talk about sexuality is important,” advises the professional. And when communication becomes too challenging or the situation persists, consulting a sexologist or couples therapist can assist partners in better understanding the dynamics in their relationship regarding the lack of desire.