On paper, most of us have a pretty clear idea of what we want in a partner. There are the nonnegotiables, the things we think we could live with, and the so-called deal breakers. Then real life shows up: the person we meet doesn’t always match the checklist. They may bring many strengths, but also habits that irritate us, flaws that annoy, or reactions that disappoint. Does that mean we’re with the wrong person? Not necessarily — and it can even be a healthy sign for the relationship. Sex therapist Flavie Taisne, author of Les Portes du désir and Aimer de tout son corps (Éditions Eyrolles), talked about this with Journal des Femmes.
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Loving someone doesn’t mean they’ll fulfill every expectation. For Taisne, accepting that fact is an important milestone in a relationship. “When we experience that the other person can disappoint us and we can still love them, it’s proof that we truly love ourselves,” she says. In other words, a partner’s failure to act exactly as we hoped, their different tastes, or their imperfections don’t automatically weaken our feelings. Rather, it often means we’re beginning to see them as they really are instead of only as we wish them to be.
Taisne also sees a common expectation among her clients: the belief that a relationship should be effortlessly smooth. “What I frequently observe in therapy is an overestimation of spontaneity in couples. Many people seem to think that if it’s not obvious or easy, then something must be wrong,” she explains. But having a difficult conversation, going through a phase of doubt, or noticing that your partner doesn’t respond the way you’d hoped doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is failing.
That expectation often stems from the idea that somewhere there’s a perfect match made just for us. “One of the first realizations I invite people to make when they come into therapy is that the perfect partner does not exist,” Taisne says. She believes there are many people with whom it’s possible to create a fulfilling relationship. The challenge is less about finding someone who ticks every box and more about choosing a person with whom a satisfying partnership can be built. “For a relationship to endure over time, mourning the ideal or perfect partner is necessary,” she argues. Respect, freedom within the couple, and the ability to talk things through are the real landmarks to look for. Ultimately, it’s wiser to find someone with whom disagreements can be resolved, differences can be lived with, and the relationship can grow — rather than chasing an imaginary person who watches all the same movies, folds socks perfectly, and somehow anticipates our needs before we speak.
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Nora Caldwell brings over a decade of experience in entertainment journalism to the Belles and Gals team. With a background in celebrity interviews and TV critiques, Avery ensures that every story we publish is engaging and accurate. Passionate about pop culture, they lead our editorial team with creativity and precision.
