The Single Question That Reveals if It’s Time to Dump Your Partner, According to Psychologists

The longer a relationship lasts, the more legitimate it becomes to one day question if one is still in the right place. Annoying habits, recurring arguments, or a personality trait that becomes burdensome can all fuel desires to break up. However, not everything that bothers us about our partner necessarily justifies a separation. This state of uncertainty is what interests psychologist Alejandra de Pedro.

Indeed, the expert believes that many people are unsure if their current situation warrants a breakup. When the same problem surfaces repeatedly, it begins to take up too much space. Focus shifts to what’s going wrong, overshadowing everything else, and gradually, doubts about the entire relationship start to creep in. But this isn’t the only trap, according to the psychologist.

Many individuals remain fixated on what they wish would change about their partner. They hope a bad habit will fade over time or that a behavior will eventually improve. Others take the opposite approach and consider ending things because their partner doesn’t fully meet their expectations. In both scenarios, they end up focusing more on what their relationship could become rather than what it actually is at present.

For Alejandra de Pedro, there’s a way to clear up the confusion. Ask yourself this question: “Assuming your partner never changes, could you live without what’s missing or with what displeases you for the rest of your life?” According to the psychologist, the answer immediately pinpoints where the real issue lies. “A desire is simply something I would like,” she explains. “I would like my partner to be tall, to enjoy hiking, to like the same music as me, to be funny.” If the partner doesn’t meet these desires, it might be disappointing, but it’s not necessarily incompatible with a happy relationship. “Since it’s a desire, I can live without it,” she summarizes.

On the other hand, when the answer to her question is “no,” it touches on something much more significant. The specialist then speaks of essential needs, those “absolute minimums” everyone needs to feel content with someone. “What might be a desire for one person could be a need for another,” she reminds us. If these needs have been clearly expressed and the partner “does not change,” “is not willing to make the effort that change entails,” or “does not take responsibility,” then it becomes legitimate to seriously question whether the relationship can continue.