Perfectionism’s Pitfall: How It Triggers Unwarranted Guilt

They wonder if they might have inadvertently hurt someone, albeit with no ill intent. Their awkwardness leads them to profusely apologize for any unintended offense. Afterwards, they may harshly criticize themselves, empathize deeply with the supposed hurt they’ve caused, and experience guilt without attempting to make excuses or justify their actions.

In reality, this painful sequence of events occurs solely in their minds. Their anxiety distorts their perception of others’ reactions, which may have either gone unnoticed or been disregarded as a minor incident by the other party. This appears to stem from an excessive scrupulousness driven by a desire to behave as well as possible and avoid hurting those around them.

Gifted individuals naturally assume others are like them, putting themselves in others’ shoes and understanding how certain comments could feel deeply hurtful if directed at them. They cannot fathom that most people do not possess the same level of sensitivity or imagination. They immediately ponder the implications of a comment that has affected them, seeing it as undeniable proof that others have a very poor perception of them, possibly because they often appear disappointing, and feel conscious of not knowing societal rules that everyone else seems to grasp. This perceived deficiency, though hidden, occasionally reveals itself through awkward remarks, underscoring their unique shortcomings without their immediate awareness.

Their entire lives are marked by this clumsiness that may amuse, shock, or simply surprise others, but they forget that most often, nobody notices: no one is hurt, and no one realizes they felt wounded by remarks that seem trivial to most. People might laugh openly, mocking what they might call oversensitivity, or more harshly, a regrettable lack of humor.

Their overly fertile imaginations generate a plethora of scenarios, typically dramatic ones, caused by the clumsiness they continuously blame themselves for, to the point of losing sleep; it is often just as they are falling asleep that the worst possible outcomes manifest in their minds. Both children and adults experience these dramatic chains of thought, amplified by the darkness and stillness of night.

When discussed, the topic is labeled as hypersensitivity, a trait characteristic of gifted individuals, but what is often overlooked is their tendency to dive into endless scenarios where anything, including disastrous catastrophes, is possible. Some novelists have harnessed this trait to craft horrific tales originating from minor events that most overlooked.

Parents try their best not to hurt their child unnecessarily, but the child might believe they are no longer loved and envision being abandoned in a hostile world, soon to vanish. This fleeting thought crosses their mind, leaving a subtle yet lingering and painful mark. Later, it may resurface dramatically in typical adult situations, leading to misunderstandings perceived as insurmountable barriers: they feel guilty for potentially having hurt dear friends who might never forgive them, for possibly having overreacted at work, or, even more sadly, for ruining a romantic relationship with unintentionally harsh words during a mundane conversation. Although tormented by their scruples, they cannot suppress their clear-sighted and critical mind: remarks slip out unintentionally because they value truth and consistency in all situations.

The intensity of these emotions is completely unknown to those around them, who would be astonished if they had any inkling of the storms raging within gifted individuals at the thought of their own awkwardness. It’s hard to suppress the expression of such overpowering emotions when one fears the dramatic, and sometimes final, consequences they might entail. Often, these highly imaginative children are said to “not manage their emotions well”, but the intensity of these feelings is misunderstood. The child sees their life and world tumbling down, landing in a place that feels closer to hell, filled with frightening and hideous demons, rather than a paradise of freedom and happiness.

When submerged in such dreadful prospects, it’s futile to try to soothe them: they know what awaits, while those around them are oblivious and will only realize too late. No one can grasp the enormity of the looming drama, except those who remember similar fears from their own childhoods. Adults, quick to self-criticize, have learned to regulate their emotional expressions and to put things into perspective, albeit with varying success, but they remember the terrifying outcomes they once thought inevitable due to their own awkwardness. They are the ones who truly understand the gifted child overwhelmed by terrible visions.

Advice: To effectively soothe such anxieties, one must first understand the mechanisms triggered by an excess of scruples. Once identified, it becomes easier to unwind this distressing spiral and prevent it from troubling adults, as they will have realized that exaggerated perfectionism can disturb many social interactions.