When Gifted Kids’ Intense Passion Becomes Too Much to Handle

Some gifted children maintain the tendency to view every desire as crucial as the need for food, failing to distinguish between wants and needs, and are often too impassioned to recognize that there are different levels of necessities.

During their early years, these children might have experienced a phase of omnipotence that was challenged when they had to meet demands they couldn’t satisfy due to their clumsiness or lack of knowledge, especially since they were completely unaware of the concept of learning. They enjoyed early successes that delighted their parents—parents marveled at their child’s skill in using complex and nuanced language, and the minimal effort it took was overshadowed by their improving ability to engage with adults and be treated as equal conversationalists.

Mastering their physical environment by moving skillfully and avoiding foolish, unnecessary falls added to their enjoyment. Furthermore, they took pleasure in concentrating to solve puzzles meant for much older children, enhancing their sense of mastery over their surroundings.

From that point, they may have felt they had certain control over their environment, a notion so pleasing that they saw no reason to question it. While there were minor incidents of clumsiness or forgetfulness, these were trivial, and their parents quickly downplayed these compared to their often remarkable achievements.

When a young child realizes that they still have much to learn before becoming fully effective, it shows a maturity of mind, complemented by a wisdom almost philosophical in depth. This wisdom allows them to progress calmly, unafraid of falls—literal or figurative—or moments of doubt, understanding that these are innate to the human condition.

This same wisdom encourages them to trust their parents; they know they are deeply loved and that their protective, attentive parents would never make a harmful decision, even if their reasons are not immediately apparent. And importantly, they begin to understand the crucial concept of law. For others, it’s hard to let go of the sense of omnipotence nurtured by their skillfulness.

Parents Thrown Off Balance

The complexity inherent in gifted children sometimes makes them difficult to understand. Parents hesitate to draw from their own experiences, as times have changed, and lifestyles are different now, which might hurt their credibility. There’s an inherent uncertainty in gifted individuals: do they feel legitimate?

They are especially uncertain because a seemingly capricious child cannot be dismissed as immature: their request might need to be taken seriously, even if it appears inconsiderate: one cannot accuse them of immaturity, some of their remarks are surprisingly wise and astoundingly insightful. This hesitation creates a vulnerability that some children sense: feeling their parents’ uncertainty, they instinctively think they can exploit this perceived weakness and, with their typical excess, especially when desiring something perceived as essential, they resort to a tactic they consider foolproof: if their legitimate need is denied, their only option is to disappear; they won’t prolong a stay in such unbearable conditions with people who don’t understand them.

Their message is crystal clear and unambiguous, and they can immediately gauge its effectiveness: their parents are initially perplexed, then shaken, changing color, hesitating, but deep down, transparent to children who know them well, they’ve already decided to give in “just this time,” albeit with requests in return that will soon be forgotten.

The Onset of Power Struggles

This can lead to a subtle yet totally unbalanced power struggle, as the child, caught in a drive for dominance, shows no restraint; they have nothing to lose by maintaining a threat that cannot be ignored. They are acutely aware of this, but to achieve their ends, they will stop at nothing, because it’s about fulfilling an essential need. They’ve found an unbeatable weapon, compensating for their lack of life experience—which is why they can so lightly contemplate leaving it; they don’t quite understand life, hearing adults complain, yet they’ve discovered a magical way to have their desires met, creating an enchanted world for themselves. They must make a slight effort, push their nature a bit, and ignore their sensitivity to wield their threat without flinching and without later being tormented by regret, but the stakes are too high, it’s a matter of survival, they are wholly caught up in this game, characterized by its excessiveness, unable to turn back. The concept of law has vanished from their mind, ignored, meaningless to them.

They might even become trapped in this role of “terrorist,” sometimes overwhelming, but how can they back down? They are caught by their own passionate vehemence and also know the fleeting pleasure of having prevailed in a dispute with their parents, symbols of authority, using a proven technique.

However, they see that their parents are beginning to put this scenario into perspective, and they fleetingly think they might stage a semblance of action to maintain their credibility, unsure how to realistically carry out this threat with minimal risk. A false balance, fragile, always on the verge of collapse, is established, but “you never know”—the threat lingers, its execution would create an irrecoverable shock, so it might be better to give in to a whim, while theoretically reminding them of the law. The all-powerful teenager excels in this skewed power dynamic.

Advice: try to prevent such a harmful power struggle from establishing by instilling the imperative notion of law and the primacy of parental decisions from the start. Negotiation has a perverse aspect by opening the door to excesses.