Why It’s Harder to Orgasm with a Partner Than Alone – Unveiling the Mystery!

Is female pleasure as elusive and mysterious as often claimed? In her book “The Many Facets of Female Sexuality,” sexologist Céline Causse dispels this myth: 86% of women reach orgasm during masturbation, with 54% doing so in under five minutes. However, only 16% consistently achieve this during heterosexual intercourse. Clearly, women are capable of experiencing pleasure, preferably solo! But why does it become more complicated when a partner is involved?

Whether it’s a gentle hand on the belly, soothing music, or a showerhead, each woman has her unique way to climb to the heights of bliss during masturbation. These methods often stem from our earliest solo experiences. Since the brain has a fantastic memory, it encourages us to repeat what has previously triggered pleasure and reward zones, even at the expense of exploring other methods. “It’s like always hiking the same trail without knowing there are others,” imagines Diane Deswarte, sexologist and founder of Kamami club. By continuously repeating the same behavior, orgasms can become dependent on specific types of stimulation.

Be Cautious with Sex Toys

What about sex toys? According to Diane, their use becomes problematic only when they become a dependency. The risk? Becoming accustomed to achieving orgasm too quickly, especially when combining toys with pornography. “It’s like the fast food of sex. They bring us to the peak of excitement very quickly, and we humans like to exert minimal effort!” Once accustomed to quick and easy pleasure, the brain may find partner sex less satisfying. Diane advises women facing this issue to rethink these intimate moments not as a quest for instant gratification but as a time for sharing. It’s crucial to strike a balance between routine and exploration: “Knowing your sexual preferences and what pleases you is vital. However, with a partner, the goal isn’t to replicate exactly what you experience during masturbation. You can take it slower to discover and adjust to new sensations.”

Our psychological well-being also significantly affects the quality of our orgasms. Stress, anxiety, or exhaustion are significant barriers to pleasure. It’s hard to let go when your mind is cluttered with grocery lists and urgent tasks! But it’s not just our emotional state that can distract us. Concerns about cellulite, body hair, stretch marks, or scars can be so overwhelming that they overshadow the present moment. This critical observer stance, known as “spectatoring,” disconnects us from our sensations.

“Women are accustomed to positioning themselves as objects of desire rather than subjects”

For Sabrina Leroy, sexologist and couples therapist, mainstream pornography especially perpetuates the pressure for a perfect body: “It sets unrealistic standards that harm self-esteem and perpetuate the belief that one must look like porn actresses to be attractive to their partner.” Our behavior during lovemaking is also subjected to high standards. Sabrina recalls a patient who was concerned about not being as expressive as the women she heard in certain videos. “Women have internalized expectations related to their gender: they must be sexy, desirable, performant… This inevitably hinders their ability to let go,” she laments. Diane has also observed this mental burden in heterosexual relationships: “The need to satisfy the man is a recurring concern in consultations. As women, we are used to positioning ourselves as objects of desire rather than subjects. We forget to ask ourselves what we truly enjoy.” By trying to meet these demands, we sideline our own pleasure.

Perhaps what prevents orgasms with a partner is the very pressure to have one at all costs. By viewing it as a goal, sexuality becomes a skill to master rather than a relaxed and intimate experience. “Having an orgasm is great, but it’s not an endpoint. It’s important to remember this, as many women feel guilty for not achieving it. Stop pressuring yourself; what matters is enjoying the moment,” reassures Sabrina. Céline, in a relationship for three years, confirms: “Sometimes I don’t have an orgasm with my boyfriend, and I enjoy it more than when I do. I prefer taking my time and building a real connection rather than achieving a somewhat mechanical climax.” In matters of sex, the journey is often more significant than the destination.