Parents Who Handle Tantrums Act Like Detectives, Says Psychologist Juli Fraga

Whether it’s a young child falling apart in the middle of a fit or the sudden bursts of independence that mark adolescence, parents frequently deal with intense emotional outbursts. While these episodes can be hard on family life, they are actually quite typical across different ages. They are a normal part of development—most children and teens go through them as they test boundaries and try to assert themselves in relation to parental authority.

Given how often these patterns repeat, it’s understandable that caregivers sometimes lose their temper, raise their voice, or even shout because they feel they have no better option. But many parents notice that meeting aggression with anger rarely calms a young child and tends to make conflicts with teenagers worse. That’s a key point highlighted by American psychologist Juli Fraga in an interview with CNBC: she says the parents who handle these episodes most effectively tend to share one habit—they act more like “detectives” than like “CEOs.”

In practical terms, instead of behaving like a boss handing down strict commands and demanding immediate compliance to stop the turmoil, these parents first try to figure out what’s behind the behavior. Adopt a curious stance and ask yourself: what’s going on inside my child right now that could explain this reaction? For instance, a child who lies might be trying to avoid punishment, whereas a teen who pushes boundaries may be seeking greater independence. Once you uncover the root cause, you’ve solved a big part of the problem, Fraga explains.

Fraga also notes that these “detective” parents examine their own responses. Children pick up on behaviors they see at home and at school. If your child’s difficult actions are recurring, look at your own patterns: how do I manage my emotions? What do I do when I feel angry, sad, anxious, or scared? Do I rely on defense mechanisms instead of facing painful feelings? Could my child’s behavior be mirroring mine? By stepping back and reflecting on their reactions, parents can better understand how their children respond to negative emotions.

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The first step is often teaching children to identify and name what they’re feeling before trying to fix the situation. “Putting words to emotions helps calm the amygdala and reduces the intensity of strong feelings. Simply asking a child, ‘Are you sad?’, ‘Are you angry?’, or ‘Are you worried?’ is a helpful place to start,” advises Juli Fraga. This investigative approach helps restore communication without escalating the conflict and supports the child’s emotional development, enabling them to handle setbacks better and grow more independent over time.