Once you pass 50, you’re often less willing to spend months getting close to someone only to realize you share nothing in common. You know your tastes, routines, and — importantly — the flaws you’re no longer prepared to tolerate. So after a disappointing date, many prefer to move on quickly. But by rejecting so many potential partners, is there not a risk of remaining single for years?

Benjamin Putois, a psychologist and researcher affiliated with Inserm and UniDistance and the author of the book Retrouvons l’amour – Célibataires et parents isolés (published by Odile Jacob), says the reality is often more layered than it appears. In an interview he explains that many people who are single after 45 or 50 have gone through particularly painful breakups — sometimes even abuse. “There’s an ambivalence between wanting to find love and not wanting to hurt anymore,” he points out. That fear of being hurt again can lead them to dismiss partners who might actually have been a good fit.

So are they too picky? The psychologist answers no: “You can’t be too demanding.” The key is directing those demands toward the right things. It’s entirely reasonable to rule out someone who’s violent, chauvinistic, or disrespectful. But expecting fireworks at the first coffee date or insisting on a very specific physical type can make finding a partner unnecessarily hard. “The criteria that shut doors for no good reason are the ones that make us chase the idea of love at first sight,” Putois says. He suggests focusing instead on whether the person seems sincere and could provide everyday support. Regarding dating apps, he warns against juggling conversations with a dozen people at once. Putois points to the “paradox of choice”: the more options we have, the harder it is to choose. “When we have too many parallel conversations, cognitive overload sets in,” he cautions. Constantly comparing profiles quickly leads to fatigue.

“Romantic feelings can develop over time”

The psychologist recommends giving slowly evolving relationships a fair shot. He tells the story of a patient who was used to toxic partnerships and then met a man who treated her with kindness and offered genuine, positive feedback. She didn’t experience the intense passion she’d felt in past relationships, but she liked how he treated her and felt comfortable with him. “She’s experiencing comfort rather than burning passion. For her, that could become a very meaningful relationship,” Putois believes. After all, “romantic attachment can emerge gradually.”

To avoid repeating old patterns, Putois advises starting by clarifying one’s needs. “What do you no longer want?” he asks his patients. Then identify positive expectations: “It might be a sense of security, having someone to confide in, or it may simply be about sexuality.” Others will prioritize companionship, shared activities, or strong communication. People value different things, and knowing your priorities before committing is essential.

Finally, for those who’ve endured violent or especially painful relationships, the specialist recommends examining the patterns that led them into those situations. He points to tendencies like the “savior complex” and people who are overly empathic, who can find themselves drawn back into toxic dynamics. Without addressing these vulnerabilities, they risk choosing a partner who will hurt them again. The real challenge, then, isn’t lowering standards to find someone but learning to make choices that allow for a calmer, healthier relationship.