Child Therapy Tips: How to Comfort Your Kid After a Friendship Fallout, Says Expert

Imagine a young child coming home from kindergarten, upset because his friend Victor bluntly told him, “you’re not my friend anymore“. For him, these words aren’t just trivial. “For young kids, the stakes of rejection are high. It can feel like a catastrophe,” explains psychologist Vincent Joly. At this age, words can be painful. They directly impact a child’s self-esteem. The child might start to wonder if they’re worthless, unlikable, or inadequate. And such doubts can take root especially because they don’t fully understand their experiences or how to express their feelings.

This was the case for Justine, mother of 3-and-a-half-year-old Léo, who is quite shy and reserved. Each morning, Léo went to school crying bitterly because he struggled to fit in with other children who pushed him away every day… So what should a parent do when their child doesn’t really have friends to play with at recess? “The most important thing is to understand what’s happening,” the psychologist emphasizes. However, children often share little and don’t understand their own experiences. It’s crucial to investigate, ask simple questions, and sometimes consult the teacher or classroom assistant. Indeed, “in kindergarten, adults play a key role” in resolving such issues. “An attentive team can help a child integrate, ease tensions, intervene in the group, and they are the go-to observers and actors in these situations.“

Once the situation is clearer, finding the right words becomes easier. For instance, when Justine realized that her son was trying every day to befriend Victor again (who continuously rejected him), she encouraged him to seek other friends in the class. “When I told him: ‘For me, Victor isn’t my friend anymore,’ my son replied, ‘Oh really? Me neither!’ I helped him understand that he could choose other, nicer friends,” shares the young mother. Indeed, reminding a child that they can choose their friends is very empowering. This notion resonates with children as it gives them control over their situation and shows them that they’re not stuck in a harmful relationship.

Because rejection hits hard, and it does at any age. “We tend to take it personally. We think: if he doesn’t like me, it must be because I’m worthless.” Even at three years old, this thought process is already in place. The opinion of others acts as a mirror, and this mirror can be harsh. It’s then up to the parents to rebuild their child’s self-esteem and remind them of their worth. “He’s wrong. You are valuable. And you can form a bond with someone else.“

Parents should take comfort in knowing that among young children, relationships can change daily. “A week later, my son Léo came home from school very happy, telling me that today, Victor was ‘totally’ his ‘friend,’” Justine tells us. Ultimately, just as sports coaches ensure every child gets to play, we should ensure every child is included in classroom interactions or playground activities. For Vincent Joly, the key is not to punish the child who has been mean, but to create a secure environment where everyone feels acknowledged and supported.