Do Opposites Attract? Secrets to Lasting Relationships Revealed!

For marriage and family counselor Violaine de Laplagnolle, the answer to whether similarity or difference is more attractive is not one-size-fits-all. “It really depends on the individual, and more importantly, on where they are in their relationship with themselves,” she explains. Indeed, those seeking stability might find themselves more drawn to individuals who are similar, sharing commonalities. “A partner who resembles us can seem more comforting. Conversations flow more smoothly because we agree on most topics, aligning more effortlessly with one another. This can make the relationship easier and less contentious, at least for a while. Our attraction may be unconsciously influenced by a need for similarity, for common points that provide security at a particular moment in our lives,” details Violaine de Laplagnolle.

On the other hand, we can also be attracted to what is different. It’s crucial to remember that the other person will always be “a stranger” since, by definition, everyone is unique; they will never be who I am. “For instance, an extroverted personality might be beneficial for someone who is introverted. A personality opposite to mine can enrich me by offering another way of being, of doing things. It can also challenge me, which is not always easy or without difficulty. This is where we talk about complementarity,” she notes.

The key in a relationship, ultimately, is to know how to evolve together. Indeed, the differences that may have attracted us at the beginning can gradually become sources of conflict and discord. “The extroverted person might start to exhaust or annoy the introverted one, who naturally needs breaks, quiet time, or solitude, while the extroverted partner may want to engage even more with the outside world. Here is where the necessity for compromise comes in,” illustrates the relationship therapist. Choosing someone similar can make interactions smoother, lighter. However, the risk is that in the long run, feelings of being trapped or not progressing might emerge.

Whether it’s someone similar to us or someone different, individual needs can change over the course of a lifetime. “Above all, it’s important to learn about oneself, to understand what I need and what I expect from a romantic relationship. When I know myself well, I have better self-esteem. I then approach others more easily and embrace differences with more enthusiasm and openness.” In a relationship, two concepts are fundamental: respect and trust. “Respecting the other in their difference, without trying to change them, is crucial. Before committing, it’s worth asking whether I can respect the other’s differences. As for trust, it evolves, it requires work. It’s never fully secure as it can diminish, be lost, and need to be regained or rebuilt.”

Communication is also a crucial pillar for a healthy relationship. “Initiating dialogue about issues faced, daring to express my feelings and needs, reveals one’s intimacy and, in turn, shows the trust placed in the other. Knowing how to apologize, express gratitude, and renew trust with one’s partner are also essential for a relationship to last,” concludes the expert in marital relationships.