How to Forget Your Ex? Top Strategies That Really Work!

Is It Better to Break Up Amicably or Painfully?

Regardless of whether your relationship was good or bad, whether you initiated the breakup or they did, whether it was harsh or gentle, ending a relationship is always tough. If you’re the one who decided to end it, admittedly, it might be somewhat easier to handle. On the other hand, if the breakup came as a surprise, it can be very challenging to come to terms with ending the relationship and changing your daily habits.

Ask yourself what exactly is troubling you: is it the fear of being alone? Or is it the loss of your partner that seems too great to overcome? Is it the idea of having to start over that scares you? Do you feel like you wasted your effort? These questions don’t come to mind immediately; they surface as you reflect on your feelings. Once you’re calm and collected, seriously think about these points, as they will help you understand what’s really bothering you.

Breaking Up is Always Hard

It’s difficult to prescribe how to best handle this painful period, as reactions vary wildly depending on the individual and the nature of their relationship. Each relationship is unique, and only those involved can (or cannot) find their way through it. It’s important to remember that the world doesn’t stop, and as the singer of L’Été indien said, “the world will go on, and rightly so“.

Don’t Completely Reject the Relationship You Had

Sometimes, the urge to demonize your former partner and create a dramatic, painful breakup can be overwhelming. Caroline Kruse, a marriage and family counselor in Paris, explains that “one might think it’s easier to detach from someone who has abruptly left you because you can hate them and thus not miss them. However, this defense is more costly than effective, because rejecting the person entirely means rejecting the history you shared, the love you felt for them, the love they had for you, and thus, rejecting a part of yourself along with them. And the sense of loss is all the more painful.“

Rediscovering Freedom and Enjoying Single Life

Just as a marriage has its consummation, so does a breakup… But how? Should you cut all ties, throw away the memories, stop thinking about them, avoid “accidental” encounters, or stop calling them? Again, it’s hard to set a rule of thumb, as situations differ greatly. Everyone handles it in their own way.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but sometimes you unexpectedly realize, “Hey, I didn’t think about him/her today,” says Caroline Kruse. This realization can also come from others who might point out something you haven’t fully realized yourself: that you are now free and available.”

Moreover, announcing the separation to friends and family is a crucial step, as it makes the situation official. If you announce it, it means you’ve accepted it to some degree. You might not be ready to face the typical questions from people around you (“Are you handling it well?” “You two seemed so happy, what happened?”). If that’s the case, take your time, but remember, you can always share the news without wanting to discuss it further right away.

Give It Time

One of the first things to accept is that things will get better with time. When you come home alone in the evening, it’s hard not to think about the conversations you used to have with your ex, the debates over which DVD to watch, or what to have for dinner. Suddenly, you might feel quite vulnerable.

Now that you’re single, there’s no rush to go home unless you have children, of course. Even then, it could be a chance to reconnect with an old friend who keeps emailing you but whom you never had time to see before.

Reconnect with Friends

Clearly, it’s always good to clear your mind rather than stay home dwelling on dark thoughts. Sure, a period of isolation might be necessary to cry it out, focus on oneself, and, let’s be honest, wallow a bit. Because, in a way, it does feel good. But you shouldn’t spend all your time doing that. The key is to find a balance between social life and personal life to get to a point where you no longer dread being alone at home and can look forward to the future with serenity.

Going Through a Period of Mourning

Having become single, you are more available for your friends, you have learned to live on your own again… In short, you have consummated your breakup. But this does not necessarily mean that you have mourned your relationship. Mourning involves taking the time to express your grief, feel nostalgic, then rebuild yourself and forgive, both yourself and your ex. This process aims to enable you to see your ex again without reigniting pain.

To undertake this difficult task, you must first accept to turn the page with this ex, leave them behind in your past life, and understand that now, you will move forward without them. This is only possible if you have thoroughly processed the breakup, and that’s not feasible if you don’t fully understand the reasons behind it. Otherwise, you’ll keep wondering why it ended and find it harder to move on.

Understanding the Reasons Behind the Breakup

Caroline Kruse emphasizes the importance of understanding the reason for the breakup, illustrating this with the story of one of her clients: “The reasons for a breakup are not always easy to understand, neither for the one who is left nor for the one who leaves, who often doesn’t know exactly why they are acting this way themselves. Asking for explanations in the heat of the moment doesn’t usually help. I once saw a young woman whose husband had left her even though there had been no major problems or conflicts between them. She wanted explanations, which he couldn’t give. She felt narcissistically injured and guilty: what had she done to make him leave? During her personal therapy, she understood: this man, for reasons related to his own history, couldn’t bear the thought of becoming a father. When she expressed her desire to have a child, overwhelmed with anxiety and unable to communicate his feelings, he left. Understanding this, and especially understanding that he wasn’t able to explain it to her, greatly helped this young woman to come to terms with the breakup.“

Avoiding Repeated Contact with Your Ex

Do you live in the same neighborhood as your ex, thus bumping into them during your daily routines? Do you work at the same place, share the same group of friends, or attend the same gym? In such cases, it can be difficult to ignore their presence and move on on your own.

There are two possible scenarios: either you can’t stand the idea of running into them, in which case you might need to change your routines temporarily. While changing jobs or neighborhoods might not always be feasible, you could at least avoid attending parties you know they’ll be at, stop going to the same gym, etc.

Or maybe encountering them doesn’t bother you too much. In that case, there’s no issue. But sometimes, when you’re feeling lonely and in need of affection, and you remember they weren’t all bad, you might be tempted to call them over for coffee…

Who hasn’t hesitated over their phone, their ex’s number on the screen, ready to make a call? Who hasn’t written a flirty email without ever managing to hit “send”? In short, who can say they’ve never been tempted to call them back?

“First, don’t blame yourself for feeling tempted to do it, reassures Caroline Kruse. Or even for actually doing it sometimes, when the grief is too much. It takes time to accept that a breakup is final. You can try to set limits for yourself, a bit like when quitting smoking. Tell yourself: if it still hurts too much tomorrow, I’ll call, and the next day try to postpone the call again.“

What to Do with Memories?

Yes, but how do you stop thinking about them and move on if you’re sleeping in that pretty nightgown they gave you or if the framed photo from your vacation in Mauritius keeps reminding you that they’re gone? The question of whether or not to get rid of memories, gifts, photos, etc., almost always comes up. The marriage therapist answers: “You can’t rip out your entire past, but it all depends on the memories. After a breakup, removing, for example, your wedding ring, even if the divorce isn’t final yet, is a symbolic way of showing others and yourself that you’ve changed your life and are, ultimately, rather content with it. As for other less significant items, it’s not essential to get rid of them. But you shouldn’t constantly look at them, let alone proudly display them in front of a new partner if there is one.“

Stop Comparing Your New Partner with Your Ex

Again, there are so many different cases that it’s difficult to generalize. Some women have never stayed single for more than a week, while others have only had one love story, and others still have many short-lived relationships.

No matter how long it takes before you start dating someone new, what’s crucial for truly investing in this new relationship is to have completely “forgotten” your ex. This doesn’t mean erasing them from your memory, but rather forgetting your relationship and everything that entails, so you can start on a clean slate. If you find yourself thinking about your ex while in bed with your new partner, you should question the legitimacy of your relationship and be honest with yourself.

Once you’ve finally found a man who makes you happy and with whom you feel comfortable, the moment will inevitably come when you’ll discuss your past experiences, joys, injuries, and expectations. And inevitably, the topic of exes will come up.

And then, it’s not always clear how to handle it: what should you say, what should you keep to yourself, where are the boundaries? “I think it’s best to talk about it as little as possible, advises the marriage therapist Caroline Kruse. Except perhaps to share what you’ve learned about yourself through that relationship. You should particularly avoid, even and especially if the other person asks, discussing anything related to the sexual life with the previous partner. It’s a minefield.“

Some of us tend to constantly compare the old and the new, from the way they do the dishes to the way they make love. Sure, it’s natural to react this way. But, Kruse clarifies, “if this comparative attitude persists and especially if it’s to the detriment of the new partner, serious questions need to be asked about the investment you’re putting into the new relationship.“

Can You Remain Friends with Your Ex?

You’ve moved on, you’re not nostalgic about your ex anymore, in short, you’ve started a new chapter. Now that your relationship is firmly in the past and you’re fully healed, you may wonder if you could stay friends with your ex. Just to catch up, to know how their life is going, etc.

Not all women want this, some prefer never to hear about their ex again. So, is it possible to stay friends with an ex without it causing problems or rekindling old pains?

“It all depends on the type of relationship you had with the previous partner, says Caroline Kruse. If it was more of a companionship than a deeply involved, passionate relationship, why not? But generally, it’s better to let some time pass before rekindling this relationship. It also depends on what the new partner can tolerate. But whatever the case, if you continue to see your ex, it’s better that the new partner is aware.“

How to Forget Your Ex When You Have Children Together?

If you have children with your ex, things are definitely more complicated. “On one hand, the boundaries are more apparent; you stay in touch with the father or mother of your children, not with your ex, clarifies the therapist. However, it happens that children are used as an excuse to maintain a connection that one of the parties, or sometimes both, subconsciously wish to prolong. In such cases, it’s better to seek counseling to gain clarity within oneself and to avoid placing the burden of one’s own contradictions on the children, or putting them in untenable loyalty conflicts.“